Well, we're on month 3 of my drastic turnover, my full-blast attempt to fix the unholy personal mess I seem to have gotten into the past three years, so I guess it's high time for a little assessment. A little looking back. And seeing if I've accomplished anything yet.
I have.
I have accomplished several things. Not at all the least of which is that creatively, I am much, much more active. And the things I'm active with entail several pressure-free projects that I alone set the deadlines for. Sure, The Grim DotCom/NetScythe is still weekly, but that's it. The poop comic is irregular (insert lame joke about irregular stool here), a series of cartoons on Strips.Blogo.nl is irregular (and covers a very wide range of subjects, so my ideas don't even have to limit themselves to any field), the story I'm working on for the Non Biblia Sacra project is a 'train project' so when I'm on a train and I feel like it, I scribble away, and otherwise I don't. And I'm slowly getting the inspiration and will to work on the Artificial Real short stories again. It's opened up a door that should have been opened a long time ago: I'm making things again. Good grief, did I ever need that.
Other than that, financially, I just solved a big chunk of trouble. There's still some left, but it's less than the chunk I solved it with, so I expect my ClickBurg-related loan to have sorted itself out by summer or so. Around which time I also don't really have strict obligations anymore to stay with the company that was so good to employ me for the last five-and-a-half years (or has it been more by now ? All I know anymore is that it has been a LONG time) so I will be free to explore my options outside of the job that has been such an additional source of pressure for me. This last bit scares me: getting back in the game, looking for a new career, a whole new life in fact. But it's what I wanted and what I need. I need a big turnover, to re-ignite the sparks, to feel alive again. To be a bit less secure and sedated, to find that life outside that safe office environment that everyone else seems to be hiding from. I don't know yet what it'll be, but I'll be sure to try out several things and attempt to find that one thing that will click. For a while. Because I doubt, professionally, that anything will ever permanently click. I'm not a one-career kind of guy, I change too much for that.
Rest-wise, I've caught up a bit. I'm more relaxed, my mind's a bit more at ease, I'm a slight bit less tired than I was. I'm still not there, but all the changes together have envigorated me a bit and that, too, was direly needed, because I felt like I was draining from my last reserves. At least now I'm tired on primary sources, which is a big progress.
There's just one major problem field left. It's the loneliness. With all the freeing up of space in my life, an empty hole that hadn't revealed itself the past three years turned up gaping. I'm not saying I'm back in the market for love, because my past relationships have definately given me food for thought in that field, and in fact turn out to possibly have left a few damn deep scars. But it would be nice to have some company again. I've been sick for a while the past weeks, part of which was very rough, and during that time it would have been damn nice to have had anyone, even just a really good friend, who'd had taken care of me. My roommate didn't really do that, but that's also not really the kind of taking care I wanted. I wanted some warm arms around me, or someone who'd have found ways to brighten up those boring sick days. Instead, I lay in bed for a day and a half and moped around the house bored out of my skull the last half day of the really rough two.
I'm not saying this to get any pity. I'm recording what I feel right now for later reference. There may be a time during this upcoming year, especially if I archieve all that I've set out to archieve by these drastic changes, that I won't be able to believe that I was in this state. It's important to remember. There's a major field in the areas of my life I'm trying to fix, of which I have to learn all the ropes again. Get back in the saddle. Figure things out again. Acknowledge what I want. And find ways to get what I want. Because three years have built up a lot of loneliness. Even more so, considering what ordeals I've put myself through, and what lonely heights I've elevated parts of my work and personality to.
I haven't felt so out of touch with society and other people since... early puberty. When I was also onto big things that the rest couldn't quite grasp. And I remember those days clearly. The depressions, the loneliness, the inability to feel good about my accomplishments, the feeling of total inadequacy around women. There was a while since then that I didn't feel all that. I want that again. I need a vacation from the past three years. Badly. And the only way I'll get it is if I can change. Everything.
I'll be doing a LOT of drinking this year. I hope my liver reads this blog and can prepare on time.