Antitrust

Women are intolerable ! Actually need them and they are nowhere to be found, but decide to go through your personal shit yourself without anyone's aid and suddenly they all care and worry and insist and push... aaaaagh !

In all that I've been writing here lately, note that I'm sincere and yet, well, not. I'm writing down some of what's coarsing through me, because I need to vent some of it and also want to keep a record of all these feelings. But it's all feelings coming from the mess I'm working through, and not how I actually feel about things. It's like there's a 'front side' emotion which is now almost completely clogged up with all the mess, and there's a 'back side' emotion which keeps me in touch with the bigger picture of things, so to speak. With the way I feel about people and things in my life, in the broader scheme of things. But I do occasionally need to vent. God, do I ever.

The Bigger Picture Me knows what the Front Side Me is doing, whereas the latter in itself really doesn't. It's like trees in the forest - each tree knows it's a tree but only a distant observer can see the bunch of them together as a forest. If that makes sense. To people less familiar with Dutch sayings.
I know, in that broader sense, what most of the more angry, frustrated, even violent thoughts and feelings of late, especially about women who show care right now, is about. It's about trust. I am currently unable to trust. The stuff I've sunk my teeth in is currently pretty damn rough and leaves a whole array of soft underbellies exposed, and I don't want anyone butting in at this vulnerable time. Or, well, part of me does want someone to take advantage of the hard shell having fallen off for a moment, but it's all fear and self protection. And the additional fear of what my self protection mechanisms might do to the friendships with the people who are butting in on my mess. Because I'm very, very liable to lash out, and with my father's side of the family's insight into people's personality, I'll be lashing out with a very sharp blade and will definately do some real damage to intruders. I don't want to. I want to come out of this with my world as I know it mostly still intact, and people I like and care about still around to 'come home to'.

So this is *my* mess. I'm getting through it. Bit by bit I'm processing all this. I can feel I'm making progress, and I am also slowly much more aware of the patterns in these feelings and the sources of them. In other words, I'm dealing ok, even though the venting I do here might make me appear like a raving lunatic sometimes. I'll deal, I'll get through this. I don't need anyone, and it's better for everyone AND myself if no one thinks otherwise. So don't butt in. *My* mess. Not yours. I don't trust you, and I don't trust myself. Not right now. In an attempt to further explain the previous post.
It's not just a warning. The fact that it bothers me so much that a few still *do* butt in, is part of all this. So I'm also recording it here. Writing down what I feel. And writing down what sense I can make of it. What further insight I've gained since last post. Because once this is all over, I'll likely be in a very good place again. And, if not for personal reasons, then for creative ones, I will want to be able to tap back into what I've experienced here.