Things are still not too easy. And I guess what makes it harder is that it's all a big battle that I don't even want to fight. This reality and myself ? Never been real good friends with it, so to speak. I was always more of an escapist kind of kid, the kind that would draydream in safe little worlds and crazy ideas just to avoid having to exist in reality in any other than the biological sense.
And escapism is just.. so easy. So close, within reach. All the time. The kind of temptation you just can't cold turkey away, because there's no way to distance yourself from it. All I require is a nice, stiff drink, or a few seconds to myself in a not too noisy environment, or a book, a DVD, a comic, a piece of paper and a pen.. it all works.
Over the past week I've come to realise something that I think I've known for a while. That someone who I've been madly, deeply, and impossibly in love with for a very, very long time, has moved out of the picture. Grown in different directions, or perhaps I'm the one that has. In any case, she's the last one that still had a foot in the door. Door's shut now. Closed. Locked. Growing stuck in its hinges, to boot. So why on earth do I even try anymore ? I know this - with every attempt to approach someone, in hope of chasing away the loneliness for a bit, I also know it's really no use. The other person in these situations has no hope of reaching ME. This is just more escapism. Just a little break, a tiny vacation, from being lonely. And it's so damn difficult, because I know that's also why I screw it up. Time and time again. Because I just don't really care. It's too much work. And it won't lead anywhere anyway. And I'll possibly end up hurting someone in the process, which'll be bad for her AND me. So why bother ?
The only answer I can offer myself to this is that I still tend to meet some amazing women from time to time. Recently there's one who manages to surprise me. Again and again. With small things that I just don't see coming. But it's just interest. Wanting to figure it all out a bit better, get to know her. I don't think - despite the girl in question being very attractive - that I want more. Deep down inside I think all I want is that she and others not unlike her will be willing to be around me for a while before they figure out I don't fit. It's a selfish want that takes more work than it could reward, that might end in awkward or even bad stuff, and that I therefor don't even really want. Yet I try. And try again. Semi-sincere attempts that at the same time are halfassed failures. It's all just so hopeless.
I'm unsure if this is how I really feel right now. The figuring out myself part ? Yeah, still working on it. This might very well be another strand of despair that I still had on backorder, so to speak. But it feels very real right now. And it's a bit rough to bear. So I 'm drinking. As I type this. And not doing too many productive things. I'm taking me-time and wasting it. Hoping to either sleep well or get a good buzz on. Because escapism and me, we go way back. Probably the only worthwhile relationship I've ever had. We understand each other and give each other comfort. That's why I'm such a good storyteller, I think. Because I also like to share it. Offer others a bit of escapism. A small break from reality. It's all I want. Just.. a break. Because I can't even look ahead, the way things are going. Not beyond a few months. I have no idea what's going to go down, and I'm living day to day. Because it's all just too much. And what would probably be good for me is if I'd have someone by my side for a bit. Even if she could only offer some moral support. But there's no one. No white knight riding in on her horse and saving the day.
It's all me. I have to do it. But no one is telling me to do it rightaway. So I'm taking every break I can right now. It's about all I can do to not drown in an overwhelming world of future.
Escapism.. keep me company for a while. Pour me another glass. I'll share.
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