Another Work Vacation...

So, René, you haven't updated your blog, what's new ?
Well, for one, the Str!pdagen are over now. And I sort of had a good time although I don't think Probeersel.com would fit in well there. So that's a no go on us getting a booth there next year.
I did meet a large amount of comic artists and other people I'd until then only known from online, as well as meet up again with people I'd met before. I handed out a bunch of T-shirts (since the competition at Probeersel.com just isn't coming along at all, and at some point I do want a third edition out there, with a design from Gregory Cathalina on it !) and so when I returned and finally could start my two week vacation, I 'grew' a to-do list.
That's right.. you know how it goes.. you meet a lot of new people, exchange email addresses and site links, then you need to update your site (including reviews for new links), you find out that there are several bugs in the new engine that somehow need fixing, you're emailing everyone from Probeersel.com to enquire how many copies of the Showcase Booklet they want for themselves from the second printing, you're framing an original drawing from someone for someone else's birthday, you're sending and uploading photos from the convention, you're trying to contact new artists who you're hoping will be interested in joining the site, you're creating new link banners, an artist comes by your place to bounce ideas for a comic he wishes to do, your cats are peeing in the attic and you want to solve that once and for all, you have to move a dental appointment in the near future to a more closeby town, you have several agencies that you need your address changed with since you always forgot those, you have new bills, including phonebill, to pay, which makes you decide to switch to ADSL after all (coming sometime soon I hope), you're trying to figure out all the information required to organise the Netherlands' first ever Webcomics-convention, and this upcoming weekend you need to write a half year report. Also, you have a major ten page project on your hands that isn't coming along too quickly, and a weekly webcomic that desperately requires attention. And not to mention that on monday night, you got a GREAT idea for a new graphic novel, almost forgetting you still have two other big projects lined up first.

Or maybe that's just how the first week of my vacation goes, and you are actually smart and just take lots of rest and go do fun stuff.

Slavin' away, as usual.

So I showed up at work today despite feeling kind of ill early in the morning, and dog tired. I walk in, switch on the computer, and voila - nothing.
The power was off ! There was a change during the weekend in the building, and apparently a few servers we needed to keep powered on caused a power surge and blew a fuse for the entire power block. So for a good hour or so, we all sat around and found out how little work we can do without power. It was funny ! Sure, at the time I was still sleepy-groggy and annoyed that I had to get up for that, but it was funny nonetheless. If I didn't have a baseball on my desk (I always have one) we wouldn't have had ANYTHING to do. So instead we tossed the ball around to one another. That's what all our advanced tasks and skills boil down to once the power is off. It's good to realise that once in a while.

I've been busy working on the booklet last weekend, and, well, as I mentioned on the group blog, I'm not completely happy with how it turned out, but it's not bad either, so to hell with that. It'll be done on time, and it'll serve its purpose well.
In preparation for the expected increase in site visitors, Tom and I have been really busy with the new setup also - I probably have mentioned this before, but the new setup basically doesn't change how things look, just the speed with which the pages will be generated, and it will cause much less trouble for the server. This means the server won't cripple if we do get thousands of visitors suddenly.
I'm also trying to figure out the new admin interface, since we won't be able to maintain the site in the old easy way. Tom basically says we should keep it simple and quick 'n dirty, but I want to get Greg and Sio more involved if they still want to be, and that would require a good interface to do nearly everything with in very userfriendly ways. So that takes a lot of figuring out.

Blah. Meanwhile, The Grim DotCom and the mystery project have seen no actual work from me this past weekend. Yes, I gave them both a lot of thought, storyboard-wise, but I haven't gotten anything concrete out of it that I'm happy with. So I guess it remains all technical work and little drawing play until I know what I should do with them.

Stress Update

I've had a pretty weird week so far. The first two days I was bored out of my wits at work because I had nothing (much) to do (meaning, I wasn't even averagely busy but just occasionally had something to do) and then Wednesdag and Thursday it was almost as if our clients SMELLED whenever it was inconvenient to call or mail. Those two days definately were reasonably action-packed and I couldn't get myself to draw much in the evening because I was wiped. I did draw on Monday and Tuesday, though, although that mostly consisted of more fiddling with a character design for the mystery project that isn't coming out as well as I hoped. Still tweaking with that, in fact.
Update on the new job: offer is postponed to about two months from now, which is good (in a 'my glass is half full'-way) because that means I can take more time off again. I don't think I'll get rid of all the free weeks I have stored up, but one or two more will be nice. That'd leave some seven weeks, plus the five I'll get again next year.. I'm thinking 'very very very long summer holiday'. Sounds good, no ?
Especially with the way things are developing.. more and more activities to come for Probeersel (also next year), perhaps finally time (and abilities) to work on several projects I've been meaning to work on for ages now. And, of course, a busy new job by then. Good grief, when did my life get this crazy ?
Yes, yes, I know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Meanwhile, though, I'm waiting for Gregory to send in his stuff for the Probeersel booklet, which he promised to have ready by yesterday evening. The original plan was that today I'd go by all the print and copyshops and get cost estimates, to find the best price/quality comparison, and if possible already get them started on it so it'd be ready by next week. Then I could take it to its destination the weekend after next and everything would be guaranteed to go. So I'm kind of pissed off today.

Heartless Bastards Anonymous

I'm sure I'm going to come off as a heartless asshole when I write this, but I've come to the conclusion that my family and I need to break up. This relationship isn't working - it hasn't for some 20 years and for the past decade I've tried every way to get out of it as clean as possible. But things just keep getting worse and worse, and I think it would be wise if we don't see each other anymore.

That's how one would treat a friendship or relationship breaking up, right ? Why can't it work that way with family ? I know that anyone who thinks I'm heartless for writing this probably has a lot of love or even a great relationship with their family, but I really don't. I can barely remember more than a handful moments that I enjoyed their company or really appreciated their help, interference or even advice. What's worse, I hate spending time with them. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself every time I get talked into going to yet another birthday or whatever, and I sit on my bike or on the train feeling awful and hoping to get this over with as soon as possible again. The feeling you get when you know you're a spineless bastard for agreeing with things against your will.
My family owns the patent on emotional blackmail, they have a natural nack for making you feel guilty for not wanting to do something for them or spending time with them, on ridiculous grounds ('but she babysat for you when you were two', 'you puked on her dress when you were three and a half months, you owe her !'). I'll happily accept that I owe my family SOMETHING, but when and where do I stop owing them already ?? There are no rules or guidelines on this, because everyone always friggin' sticks with their family their whole lives. There is no clean moment when the debt is paid off and you can say a proper farewell to these people you've been stuck with since birth and move on with your life.
At school, on vacation, in prison, sure, you also get stuck with a lot of people. But at some point YOU get out of it, and they won't feel hurt for leaving them behind and moving on. If that goes for even THOSE involuntary companionships, why can't it work for family ?

I don't have too many memories from before I was six, and the few I have are sort of unreliable. But as far as I can remember I barely ever felt I belonged with these people, and even when I did I still didn't feel beyond doubt. I could doubt it at all times in my life, easily, so it's safe to say that in my heart, I've never been part of this family. They're all great people and mean well, but I don't care about them. No matter how hard I try, as soon as any one of them dies, it might as well be my neighbour or someone I vaguely met sometime passing on to the other realm. And yes, this sounds heartless. I guess maybe it is. But it'd be much more heartless to pretend I do care about these people, to keep up this empty pretense I've kept up for twenty plus years now, and continue to allow them to hold me back.

Because that's the main problem here ! They're holding me back ! They're a major, major obstruction in my way to things I want, no, need to do. You gotta understand, I come from a post-war Catholic family, so if you add up all the aunts, uncles, their spouses, children, boy- and girlfriends, there must be a total of 120 people or so, forming one huge concrete block on my leg ! You need to stay in touch with this person because it's the decent thing to do, and if you do, then you also need to get in touch with that person or else you're just a picky asshole, and you need to go to this birthday and you need to help out that person etc etc etc etc.
I'M FED UP WITH IT ! FOR GOOD !

I'm serious about all of this. To some it might seem like I'm joking but this is a major burden I've been carrying around my entire life. I want to get rid of all of them, it's the only way out of this. If I don't, I'll be on the couch daily by the time I'm 30, talking to the shrink who tries to figure out why I went completely mad.

So this is it. I'm sorry, Mom, Dad, brother, everyone, but I'm not making time for you anymore. I'm breaking up. I think it would be best if we don't speak anymore. Don't call me anymore (which you always do when I'm on the toilet, or just biting into a pizza, or any conceivable other inconvenient time), don't email me anymore, don't visit, it's over. I have paid my debts and now it's time to come clean and admit: I never wanted any part of this family. Why else do you think I wanted to move abroad, or was in such a rush to move out on my own, and - despite it actually being true - why do you think I'm always so busy ?? Get the clue ! I don't want to spend time with you all, and I'm not going to get guilt-tripped into biking to some stupid village on Sunday morning anymore (getting up early on Sunday is practically a crime for me) to sit around with people I want to get away from as soon as possible again. It's not going to happen.

Now, some might say, you can't break up with your family. I was told this nonsense from the start as well. But you know what ? Someone in my family already has ! I have an aunt who was basically kicked out of the family after a major fight, and she's barely even mentioned anymore, like she never was part of the family. She's still from the same blood, but everyone pretends she's not. And that's when it dawned on me: you're part of the family, except when you really DON'T want to be. And I really DON'T want to be. So just pretend I never was family. Don't do me any favours anymore. Don't contact me anymore. Give me the exact same cold shoulder you gave my aunt - I need it. It's the only thing you can really do for me..
Set - me - free.

I have things to do that I can't use 120 people holding me back with. And every one of us only gets so much time in their lives, I intend to use it fully. That means that from now on, you all aren't getting any of that time anymore. The well is dry, my debt is paid. It's over.

I'm ready to order.. some Peace and Quiet, please. Can I take that to go ?

Good grief, what a week. I've resumed my job, of course, and it's been a most eventful week there. Also in my own time - nearly every evening this week has been spent with other people. My friend Dave, comic artist Bandirah, comic journalist Johan de Rooij, and tonight Tom was supposed to come over but I'm sort of glad he called that off because I'm beat. I haven't done anything all day simply because I'm so tired. And somehow I'll have to work on The Grim DotCom and the mystery comic, then tomorrow evening I'm supposed to go out with the roommie and some of our friends, and then Sunday morning I have to bike to the middle of nowhere for a birthday brunch of my grandmother's. Monday'll be Animal Day, Tuesday I must remember my parents' wedding anniversary, later that week the roommie celebrates his birthday... I am busy puzzling together the Probeersel booklet as well. I dunno, on one hand I love it - I like keeping busy - but I've come to realise I've become quite homey the past few years. I like being home, watching a few movies, spending time with the cats, drawing, reading, etc. and most importantly I can use some rest.
I think an entire lifetime of having been very busy is starting to catch up with me.

To top it all off some people are making snarly comments towards me that I don't deserve, both on- and offline, and they're kind of annoying me.
Wasn't life supposed to get reasonably good at some point ? That's the lie they raise us with, and I'm still naively waiting around for that shit to happen.