Heartless Bastards Anonymous

I'm sure I'm going to come off as a heartless asshole when I write this, but I've come to the conclusion that my family and I need to break up. This relationship isn't working - it hasn't for some 20 years and for the past decade I've tried every way to get out of it as clean as possible. But things just keep getting worse and worse, and I think it would be wise if we don't see each other anymore.

That's how one would treat a friendship or relationship breaking up, right ? Why can't it work that way with family ? I know that anyone who thinks I'm heartless for writing this probably has a lot of love or even a great relationship with their family, but I really don't. I can barely remember more than a handful moments that I enjoyed their company or really appreciated their help, interference or even advice. What's worse, I hate spending time with them. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself every time I get talked into going to yet another birthday or whatever, and I sit on my bike or on the train feeling awful and hoping to get this over with as soon as possible again. The feeling you get when you know you're a spineless bastard for agreeing with things against your will.
My family owns the patent on emotional blackmail, they have a natural nack for making you feel guilty for not wanting to do something for them or spending time with them, on ridiculous grounds ('but she babysat for you when you were two', 'you puked on her dress when you were three and a half months, you owe her !'). I'll happily accept that I owe my family SOMETHING, but when and where do I stop owing them already ?? There are no rules or guidelines on this, because everyone always friggin' sticks with their family their whole lives. There is no clean moment when the debt is paid off and you can say a proper farewell to these people you've been stuck with since birth and move on with your life.
At school, on vacation, in prison, sure, you also get stuck with a lot of people. But at some point YOU get out of it, and they won't feel hurt for leaving them behind and moving on. If that goes for even THOSE involuntary companionships, why can't it work for family ?

I don't have too many memories from before I was six, and the few I have are sort of unreliable. But as far as I can remember I barely ever felt I belonged with these people, and even when I did I still didn't feel beyond doubt. I could doubt it at all times in my life, easily, so it's safe to say that in my heart, I've never been part of this family. They're all great people and mean well, but I don't care about them. No matter how hard I try, as soon as any one of them dies, it might as well be my neighbour or someone I vaguely met sometime passing on to the other realm. And yes, this sounds heartless. I guess maybe it is. But it'd be much more heartless to pretend I do care about these people, to keep up this empty pretense I've kept up for twenty plus years now, and continue to allow them to hold me back.

Because that's the main problem here ! They're holding me back ! They're a major, major obstruction in my way to things I want, no, need to do. You gotta understand, I come from a post-war Catholic family, so if you add up all the aunts, uncles, their spouses, children, boy- and girlfriends, there must be a total of 120 people or so, forming one huge concrete block on my leg ! You need to stay in touch with this person because it's the decent thing to do, and if you do, then you also need to get in touch with that person or else you're just a picky asshole, and you need to go to this birthday and you need to help out that person etc etc etc etc.
I'M FED UP WITH IT ! FOR GOOD !

I'm serious about all of this. To some it might seem like I'm joking but this is a major burden I've been carrying around my entire life. I want to get rid of all of them, it's the only way out of this. If I don't, I'll be on the couch daily by the time I'm 30, talking to the shrink who tries to figure out why I went completely mad.

So this is it. I'm sorry, Mom, Dad, brother, everyone, but I'm not making time for you anymore. I'm breaking up. I think it would be best if we don't speak anymore. Don't call me anymore (which you always do when I'm on the toilet, or just biting into a pizza, or any conceivable other inconvenient time), don't email me anymore, don't visit, it's over. I have paid my debts and now it's time to come clean and admit: I never wanted any part of this family. Why else do you think I wanted to move abroad, or was in such a rush to move out on my own, and - despite it actually being true - why do you think I'm always so busy ?? Get the clue ! I don't want to spend time with you all, and I'm not going to get guilt-tripped into biking to some stupid village on Sunday morning anymore (getting up early on Sunday is practically a crime for me) to sit around with people I want to get away from as soon as possible again. It's not going to happen.

Now, some might say, you can't break up with your family. I was told this nonsense from the start as well. But you know what ? Someone in my family already has ! I have an aunt who was basically kicked out of the family after a major fight, and she's barely even mentioned anymore, like she never was part of the family. She's still from the same blood, but everyone pretends she's not. And that's when it dawned on me: you're part of the family, except when you really DON'T want to be. And I really DON'T want to be. So just pretend I never was family. Don't do me any favours anymore. Don't contact me anymore. Give me the exact same cold shoulder you gave my aunt - I need it. It's the only thing you can really do for me..
Set - me - free.

I have things to do that I can't use 120 people holding me back with. And every one of us only gets so much time in their lives, I intend to use it fully. That means that from now on, you all aren't getting any of that time anymore. The well is dry, my debt is paid. It's over.