Gimme A You, En, Cee, El, Ee.. Uncle.

My brother's girlfriend gave birth to a very loud (judging from the brief phone call I had with my brother) little boy this Monday. His name is Lars, and apparently now I'm an uncle.

I've had a few very strange weeks. One of my best friends came to take care of me and that was lots of fun but it kind of tossed my schedule about. Work-wise, because I had been creative in shifting my days around to be able to spend as much time with her as possible, but also comic-wise and nightlife mayor-wise. During those two weeks, all sorts of people and ideas that I was no longer really counting on hearing from crawled out of the woodwork so now I don't even know how the rest of my month will look like. I've bought a new bike (to replace the really good one that was stolen july '05) and as of tomorrow night we'll temporarily have two extra roommates in this house. All in all, things are hectic and confusing even though I've rested a LOT the past two weeks.

Gonna have to ease into the rest of December, before I can figure out how and where I am right now, methinks.

Very Bad Mood Today.

Of all the people I've encountered since getting out of teh bed this morning, only two or three managed NOT to irritate the heck out of me. I'm having a fairly bad day. And work isn't much better, I don't have much of anything to do that can distract me from the People Who Should All Die Painful Deaths. So I'm browsing around on the web in an attempt at naive hope (while knowing better) that I might stumble upon something interesting. A well-written webcomic review site. Or a good comic that not only manages to interest me but actually still updates as well. Or.. well.. anything, really, that'll grab my mind. And you know what ? Most of the stuff I've found so far are blogs, and nearly all of them are from people who don't update and then return with the exact same phrase: "I'm still alive!"

GOOD GOD ! It's the blog equivalent of extremely lame office sayings that some people - very well represented in the People Who Should All Die Painful Deaths group today - mistake for humour or wit.

So here it is: I *have* died. Sorry, I know. I kicked the bucket. I expired. I had to die at some point the way I was going, and hey, I figured, why not for once actually do something predictable then ? That's why I haven't updated as of late. Being an ectoplasmic being now meant I had to get a bit of practice in before I could manipulate my very NON ectoplasmic PC to switch on and before I could type on the keyboard again. But I think I'm managing ok now and typppppppppppppppping worrrrrrrrrrrks.
It's not too bad here in the afterlife. It may not be what some of you expect from it, but it's a place to hang one's hat, and after all, what more do you want ? The fun bits include:
- peace and quiet and lots of away-time from the People Who Should All Die Painful Deaths because you can slip into any kind of area you want;
- with that same talent, plenty of voyeur opportunities;
- finally lots of time to catch up with my reading;
- no one bugging you to actually do some work, wether paid or unpaid, no weekly deadlines to make;
- you can sleep in allllll you want.. no, seriously, there's no need for alarm clocks and you're kind of expected to mostly make nocturnal appearances anyway;
- no dress code;
The less fun bits include:
- well.. sex is kind of out of the question, and I won't even begin to explain how complicated masturbation is right now;
- I haven't had a smoke since all this started;
- and then there's that pesky big light that keeps shining down on me. Still trying to find the light switch for that.

Anyway, all in all it's not a bad experience. But I hope you all understand I can't guarantee to update this blog anytime soon. I have no idea who's currently paying the electricity bill here but I figure if I abuse the PC too often they're going to notice.

After Days Of Passion

It's come to this: that I should quote titles of webcomics to come up with a clever header. But I couldn't find anything more appropriate, to be honest.

An update after all these months ? Yes, and a direly needed one. Because lots has happened - but then, lots always does if you pay close enough attention. And I always do, and since time in the mind of a human being is measured in numbers of events, my weeks last for eternities. So as much as I would want to, I can't summarize the entire period I haven't updated, even if I could still remember everything that went down. I have to limit myself to the bigger changes.

First off: I seem to be healing, psychologically. I have more energy, I'm depressed a lot less, and I feel more and more able to scramble back up on my own feet. It's still going slowly at the moment and I'm still far from the strong, energetic person I was just a year ago, but I'm also a far cry from the shadow of that man that I was when I was last updating this blog and practically drowning in angst and despair. What helped a lot is that creatively, things have been going fairly well. The Grim DotCom's storyline is progressing perfectly on schedule (in fact, it may be going slightly too fast considering the few things left to reveal this 'season', so I may have to slow myself down for the first time since I started this series), the 'KermisComics' were organised by someone else this year so I could actually just participate, which resulted in at least one page I feel somewhat proud of, as well as a lot of fun with several new comic artist acquaintances. And August 5th is behind me now. That's the big one. Reading back through my email archive over the past week (I've had a tendency all week to clean things up for some reason) I realised I had been preparing for this one evening since February - so for half a year I've lived towards that one spectacular, unconventional and completely mad show evening that it turned out to be. And it was glorious, insane, absurd, beautiful, and at the very least memorable. Audience turnup was also huge, media attention was fairly impressive, the Probeersel.com T-shirts that got distributed when you bought 'my' drink that evening practically FLEW over the counter, and most of my best friends and even some family turned up in the audience too.

One of the end results, since the inauguration of the new nightlife mayors of the city of Tilburg was attached at the end of the evening, is that I am now, well, one of the two nightlife mayors of this city. The perks include that I finally, after eight years, really DO have my own barstool in my habitual bar (where I essentially have lived longer than I've actually lived in either of my two homes in this city, if you add it all up). The disadvantages include having to get used to a very weird feeling when people recognize me in the street - which actually does happen now upon occasion. Point and stare, that kind of thing. But I knew that was a realistic risk and I accepted it beforehand, so I'll just have to deal.
But after the first week 'in function', my mind is already riddled with possibilities on what to do in this new role. Things we could organise, things we could publically protest against, things I could attempt to improve in my beloved city. All this, and the actual August 5th evening, have probably contributed to my somewhat renewed energy. What also helps is that all the love crap from before has also sort of resolved.. or vaporised, mostly. All the confusing situations where things just weren't clear have either been made clear on their or my side, or by changes in circumstances. It may all sound vague, but I'll get into detail sometime soon.

In any case, things have much improved. They're still far from perfect, and I do still have some bad moments, but all in all the only way is up. It seems.

I Suppose A Little Update Is Appropriate

Crash, burn, crash more. I'm emotionally knocked out by two strong punches, just when I was nearly on my feet. This entire week I'm sort of living from day to day as escapist and numb as possible. A friend is visiting me Friday and perhaps she'll be able to make things a bit better. But right now I'm not doing too well.

There's been an interesting development, comic-wise, but seeing as how I'm in my current weird place and unsure even how to manage what ALREADY is going on, I haven't agreed to anything just yet. I'm giving myself this weekend to decide. Under normal (but what is 'normal' in my life ?) conditions I would think this development was immensely cool and jump on board without thinking twice.
Wish I could be less vague about it but it's not my own project and it's all hush hush for now as far as I can tell. I'll reveal more of it when the proper time arrives. Comic fans, especially of the work geographically close to mine, will like this. That's all I can say for now.

Oh, in case anyone wondered: I removed the tagboard on the right side of the screen. Besides attracting spam, it now also started popping up ads. In other words, it just got too much of a pain in the ass and I chucked it.

René out.

Antitrust

Women are intolerable ! Actually need them and they are nowhere to be found, but decide to go through your personal shit yourself without anyone's aid and suddenly they all care and worry and insist and push... aaaaagh !

In all that I've been writing here lately, note that I'm sincere and yet, well, not. I'm writing down some of what's coarsing through me, because I need to vent some of it and also want to keep a record of all these feelings. But it's all feelings coming from the mess I'm working through, and not how I actually feel about things. It's like there's a 'front side' emotion which is now almost completely clogged up with all the mess, and there's a 'back side' emotion which keeps me in touch with the bigger picture of things, so to speak. With the way I feel about people and things in my life, in the broader scheme of things. But I do occasionally need to vent. God, do I ever.

The Bigger Picture Me knows what the Front Side Me is doing, whereas the latter in itself really doesn't. It's like trees in the forest - each tree knows it's a tree but only a distant observer can see the bunch of them together as a forest. If that makes sense. To people less familiar with Dutch sayings.
I know, in that broader sense, what most of the more angry, frustrated, even violent thoughts and feelings of late, especially about women who show care right now, is about. It's about trust. I am currently unable to trust. The stuff I've sunk my teeth in is currently pretty damn rough and leaves a whole array of soft underbellies exposed, and I don't want anyone butting in at this vulnerable time. Or, well, part of me does want someone to take advantage of the hard shell having fallen off for a moment, but it's all fear and self protection. And the additional fear of what my self protection mechanisms might do to the friendships with the people who are butting in on my mess. Because I'm very, very liable to lash out, and with my father's side of the family's insight into people's personality, I'll be lashing out with a very sharp blade and will definately do some real damage to intruders. I don't want to. I want to come out of this with my world as I know it mostly still intact, and people I like and care about still around to 'come home to'.

So this is *my* mess. I'm getting through it. Bit by bit I'm processing all this. I can feel I'm making progress, and I am also slowly much more aware of the patterns in these feelings and the sources of them. In other words, I'm dealing ok, even though the venting I do here might make me appear like a raving lunatic sometimes. I'll deal, I'll get through this. I don't need anyone, and it's better for everyone AND myself if no one thinks otherwise. So don't butt in. *My* mess. Not yours. I don't trust you, and I don't trust myself. Not right now. In an attempt to further explain the previous post.
It's not just a warning. The fact that it bothers me so much that a few still *do* butt in, is part of all this. So I'm also recording it here. Writing down what I feel. And writing down what sense I can make of it. What further insight I've gained since last post. Because once this is all over, I'll likely be in a very good place again. And, if not for personal reasons, then for creative ones, I will want to be able to tap back into what I've experienced here.

A Thought On Identity.

On a regular day, I'll get up, get out of the house. I'm carrying around my passport because we have an identification law since a while back, which means I'll have to show it if I'm found possibly involved in something that goes against the law. I'll show my buspass with photograph and name to the bus driver so he'll allow me on board. I'll get to the station and use my bank pass and PIN ID so the ATM knows it's me and will give me some of my money. I'll get to work and get out my work security pass - again, with photo - which tells the building I'm allowed inside. I'll log into my PC with a username and a password. Almost all my software requires passwords. The servers I connect to require my password and also check if my PC's IP address is allowed. Some of the sites I visit in and outside my home check my IP and/or cookies. Then there's of course the various sites I maintain, and the various forums I visit - they all require a username and password as well. If I want to get cigarettes in a bar or something, I need a coin that verifies I'm old enough to purchase them. If I have bills to pay, I sign cheques with a signature that says it's me. My cats sniff my hands, clothes, and verify it's me, everytime I go home. And that's just everything I see directly - there's of course countless administrative and other processes behind the screens that pass information about me along, like my social security number, etc.

All day long people, animals and machines all over this country are checking my identity. Nice to know that they at least seem to know who I am, since as of late I'm clearly less sure than they are.

Although I'm not exactly sure where I end and other stuff, other roles, and the rest of the world starts, I know one thing. It kind of bothers me that there's a few people butting in on my problems. They mostly mean well (although at least one I'm suspecting is more meddlesome out of a need to feel good about herself - no one that's currently reading this, though, because she's much too concerned with herself to digitally-stalk me by reading my personal blog posts I think), and it's kind of ungrateful of me, but I know one thing. I'm only writing and talking about my trouble to make a bit more sense of them - for myself. Because it's MY PROBLEMS. MINE. I may not be sure who I am, but I know that *I* own these problems. Don't make them yours. You're not allowed to. I have to go through this myself, and I don't actually require help. Never required it and never will. The pathos and angst and whatnot, that's most likely part of either the emotions on backorder, or of the process of working through them. Back off, get your own emotional mess.

Sweet Bliss of Escapism

Things are still not too easy. And I guess what makes it harder is that it's all a big battle that I don't even want to fight. This reality and myself ? Never been real good friends with it, so to speak. I was always more of an escapist kind of kid, the kind that would draydream in safe little worlds and crazy ideas just to avoid having to exist in reality in any other than the biological sense.
And escapism is just.. so easy. So close, within reach. All the time. The kind of temptation you just can't cold turkey away, because there's no way to distance yourself from it. All I require is a nice, stiff drink, or a few seconds to myself in a not too noisy environment, or a book, a DVD, a comic, a piece of paper and a pen.. it all works.

Over the past week I've come to realise something that I think I've known for a while. That someone who I've been madly, deeply, and impossibly in love with for a very, very long time, has moved out of the picture. Grown in different directions, or perhaps I'm the one that has. In any case, she's the last one that still had a foot in the door. Door's shut now. Closed. Locked. Growing stuck in its hinges, to boot. So why on earth do I even try anymore ? I know this - with every attempt to approach someone, in hope of chasing away the loneliness for a bit, I also know it's really no use. The other person in these situations has no hope of reaching ME. This is just more escapism. Just a little break, a tiny vacation, from being lonely. And it's so damn difficult, because I know that's also why I screw it up. Time and time again. Because I just don't really care. It's too much work. And it won't lead anywhere anyway. And I'll possibly end up hurting someone in the process, which'll be bad for her AND me. So why bother ?
The only answer I can offer myself to this is that I still tend to meet some amazing women from time to time. Recently there's one who manages to surprise me. Again and again. With small things that I just don't see coming. But it's just interest. Wanting to figure it all out a bit better, get to know her. I don't think - despite the girl in question being very attractive - that I want more. Deep down inside I think all I want is that she and others not unlike her will be willing to be around me for a while before they figure out I don't fit. It's a selfish want that takes more work than it could reward, that might end in awkward or even bad stuff, and that I therefor don't even really want. Yet I try. And try again. Semi-sincere attempts that at the same time are halfassed failures. It's all just so hopeless.

I'm unsure if this is how I really feel right now. The figuring out myself part ? Yeah, still working on it. This might very well be another strand of despair that I still had on backorder, so to speak. But it feels very real right now. And it's a bit rough to bear. So I 'm drinking. As I type this. And not doing too many productive things. I'm taking me-time and wasting it. Hoping to either sleep well or get a good buzz on. Because escapism and me, we go way back. Probably the only worthwhile relationship I've ever had. We understand each other and give each other comfort. That's why I'm such a good storyteller, I think. Because I also like to share it. Offer others a bit of escapism. A small break from reality. It's all I want. Just.. a break. Because I can't even look ahead, the way things are going. Not beyond a few months. I have no idea what's going to go down, and I'm living day to day. Because it's all just too much. And what would probably be good for me is if I'd have someone by my side for a bit. Even if she could only offer some moral support. But there's no one. No white knight riding in on her horse and saving the day.
It's all me. I have to do it. But no one is telling me to do it rightaway. So I'm taking every break I can right now. It's about all I can do to not drown in an overwhelming world of future.
Escapism.. keep me company for a while. Pour me another glass. I'll share.

Tougher than I thought.

Well, we're on month 3 of my drastic turnover, my full-blast attempt to fix the unholy personal mess I seem to have gotten into the past three years, so I guess it's high time for a little assessment. A little looking back. And seeing if I've accomplished anything yet.

I have.
I have accomplished several things. Not at all the least of which is that creatively, I am much, much more active. And the things I'm active with entail several pressure-free projects that I alone set the deadlines for. Sure, The Grim DotCom/NetScythe is still weekly, but that's it. The poop comic is irregular (insert lame joke about irregular stool here), a series of cartoons on Strips.Blogo.nl is irregular (and covers a very wide range of subjects, so my ideas don't even have to limit themselves to any field), the story I'm working on for the Non Biblia Sacra project is a 'train project' so when I'm on a train and I feel like it, I scribble away, and otherwise I don't. And I'm slowly getting the inspiration and will to work on the Artificial Real short stories again. It's opened up a door that should have been opened a long time ago: I'm making things again. Good grief, did I ever need that.
Other than that, financially, I just solved a big chunk of trouble. There's still some left, but it's less than the chunk I solved it with, so I expect my ClickBurg-related loan to have sorted itself out by summer or so. Around which time I also don't really have strict obligations anymore to stay with the company that was so good to employ me for the last five-and-a-half years (or has it been more by now ? All I know anymore is that it has been a LONG time) so I will be free to explore my options outside of the job that has been such an additional source of pressure for me. This last bit scares me: getting back in the game, looking for a new career, a whole new life in fact. But it's what I wanted and what I need. I need a big turnover, to re-ignite the sparks, to feel alive again. To be a bit less secure and sedated, to find that life outside that safe office environment that everyone else seems to be hiding from. I don't know yet what it'll be, but I'll be sure to try out several things and attempt to find that one thing that will click. For a while. Because I doubt, professionally, that anything will ever permanently click. I'm not a one-career kind of guy, I change too much for that.

Rest-wise, I've caught up a bit. I'm more relaxed, my mind's a bit more at ease, I'm a slight bit less tired than I was. I'm still not there, but all the changes together have envigorated me a bit and that, too, was direly needed, because I felt like I was draining from my last reserves. At least now I'm tired on primary sources, which is a big progress.

There's just one major problem field left. It's the loneliness. With all the freeing up of space in my life, an empty hole that hadn't revealed itself the past three years turned up gaping. I'm not saying I'm back in the market for love, because my past relationships have definately given me food for thought in that field, and in fact turn out to possibly have left a few damn deep scars. But it would be nice to have some company again. I've been sick for a while the past weeks, part of which was very rough, and during that time it would have been damn nice to have had anyone, even just a really good friend, who'd had taken care of me. My roommate didn't really do that, but that's also not really the kind of taking care I wanted. I wanted some warm arms around me, or someone who'd have found ways to brighten up those boring sick days. Instead, I lay in bed for a day and a half and moped around the house bored out of my skull the last half day of the really rough two.
I'm not saying this to get any pity. I'm recording what I feel right now for later reference. There may be a time during this upcoming year, especially if I archieve all that I've set out to archieve by these drastic changes, that I won't be able to believe that I was in this state. It's important to remember. There's a major field in the areas of my life I'm trying to fix, of which I have to learn all the ropes again. Get back in the saddle. Figure things out again. Acknowledge what I want. And find ways to get what I want. Because three years have built up a lot of loneliness. Even more so, considering what ordeals I've put myself through, and what lonely heights I've elevated parts of my work and personality to.
I haven't felt so out of touch with society and other people since... early puberty. When I was also onto big things that the rest couldn't quite grasp. And I remember those days clearly. The depressions, the loneliness, the inability to feel good about my accomplishments, the feeling of total inadequacy around women. There was a while since then that I didn't feel all that. I want that again. I need a vacation from the past three years. Badly. And the only way I'll get it is if I can change. Everything.

I'll be doing a LOT of drinking this year. I hope my liver reads this blog and can prepare on time.

The Shamelessness Of Advertising

I don't get spam.
Well, I don't mean to say I never receive spam, quite the opposite. I don't understand spam. I used to, I mean, if you've got a communication medium like email at your fingertips that can potentially help you reach thousands, nay, millions of new customers, you'd be a fool not to use it. But honestly. Take a look at what spam is nowadays. Spam filters have gotten so effective that the only things coming through anymore often don't even contain advertising messages anymore. They contain random picks of words and sentences, probably picked from either dictionaries or novels, pieced together to form completely illegible bits of prose.
Of course, I generalize. I still get the usual bits of spam, but the completele-bollocks emails have conquered quite a bit of the field. Don't worry, though, you are still reaching my inbox with information on how to get my penis enlarged. How to make 'my lady' cum with exquisite shrieks of orgasmic delight, how to get a university degree by the press of a button, how to get software at prices that couldn't mean anything but 'illegal', and where to get the best pornographic images of underage tits and ass. It all reaches my inbox. And then the checkbox in front of it gets checked, I press 'delete', and even 'empty trash'. This may come as a shock to you, but that's the fact of the matter: I don't read your spam. I delete it. Without a second's thought. Every last email that doesn't look like I should read it gets wiped off the electronic freeway without even the slightest moment of regret.

Yet people keep sending them. To gazillions of addresses, world-wide. Every day. I'm inclined to say every minute. And we at Probeersel.com receive them as well. By the thousands. And the ways around the spam filters seem to get craftier and craftier. I can't help but wonder if that's the only reason they get sent at all anymore. To find clever ways to get around the spam filter. Like viruses (virii ?) are created as sort of anarchistic ways to bypass security, only to, in turn, challenge security builders to fight them again. So, in essence, sending illegible email to just to see if it reaches the addressee.
That has to be the reason. I mean.. show of hands: who even reads spam anymore ? Do advertisers really think that their messages of clearing our debts, ordering Viagra, helping to smuggle a large sum of money out of a country in war, and meeting fresh, young mail order brides online are reaching us ? I mean, hell, I only read them today as a slight bit of quick research for what I am writing here. All the rest goes straight into the digital shredder. And it seems like such a stupid waste of time, money, network bandwidth, storage space, server power, engineer intelligence, and whatever else is wasted on this.
No one reads spam anymore. Except perhaps some 90 year old dimwit who just got his first online connection and is happy with any email he receives. Spam has changed a perfectly good advertising channel into a public nuisance. No respectable advertising company should even consider advertising via email anymore - it has simply lost all effect and can even harm the impression the addressee has / had of the company you're sending it for. I for one wouldn't want to deal with a company that bothers millions of innocent email address owners with this crap. Even if I'd want a penis enlargement (and I don't, I'm quite glad to report no one with actual experience regarding my penis has brought up the suggestion) I would consult a doctor. Or if for whatever desperate reason the internet was my only resource for scheduling such an operation, I'd friggin' Google for a respectable-looking company that handles these things. And doesn't flood half the web with garbled Dickens regurgitations.
But then again, the logic of advertising have always sort of been beyond me. I just saw an Opel commercial where images of babies clapping their hands were supposed to sell me a car. And to think I'm actually considering going back into that world.

Amazing.

Ain't No Sunshine is currently the 8th most popular comic on Probeersel.com and only has three unique readers to go before it's 7th. Before long, it'll probably be in the top 5. And that without doing barely any advertising for it, without featuring it in the 'Pick of the week' section or in 'In the spotlight', without mentioning it on most forums, etc.
It has also already harvested, in its three weeks of existence, more enthousiastic and other positive feedback than The Grim DotCom in it's nearly three YEAR run has !
Good grief, folks, it's a comic featuring pictures of my excrement !

Grim DotCards

I'm more and more seriously considering sending out an order for a special Grim DotCom-set of playing cards. Sure, it'll cost me nearly 2 Euros per deck at a minimum of 1000 decks, but it'll be so cool and totally sellable. Even if it takes me hundreds of conventions to push - hell, that's almost an argument FOR them, because then I'll never have to worry about having to arrange for something to bring. I'll just bring the stash of buttons I still have, perhaps produce a few up-to-date eBooks, and a bunch of those decks. Worst comes to worst and the convention is practically dead, then we can still PLAY cards.

Buttttttt.. the real headbreaker is how to fit in the characters.
Ok, the colour schemes are easy enough: all the red colours (hearts and diamonds) go to The Grim DotCom and all the black colours (clubs and spades) go to Netscythe. And for each 'level', you'll only have one character per company. So the Ace for both Hearts and Diamonds is the Grim Reaper, and the Ace for Clubs and Spades is the crazy inventor boss from Netscythe. Needless to say, I want ALL the pictures to be unique, so the two images of the Grim Reaper will differ from one another.
So far so good. This wasn't the difficult part.
The difficult part is who goes where. And with Netscythe, the total cast hasn't been introduced yet, and I'm not even entirely done character designing them. Argh !

To illustrate how difficult this is, here's the total list of 55 cards that should be in such a deck. With the characters I had mentally assigned to them. The ones in italic bold are the ones I'm already sure of, the merely-italic ones I am much less sure about...
Grim DotCom set:

JOKER I............Casey 1
JOKER II............Casey 2
ACE HEARTS.........Grim Reaper 1
ACE DIAMONDS.......Grim Reaper 2
KING HEARTS........John 1
KING DIAMONDS......John 2
QUEEN HEARTS.......Eileet 1
QUEEN DIAMONDS.....Eileet 2
JACK HEARTS........Jack 1
JACK DIAMONDS......Jack 2
10 HEARTS..........Kent 1
10 DIAMONDS........Kent 2
9 HEARTS...........Yvette 1
9 DIAMONDS.........Yvette 2
8 HEARTS...........Jim 1
8 DIAMONDS.........Jim 2
7 HEARTS...........Morale Officer 1
7 DIAMONDS.........Morale Officer 2
6 HEARTS...........Reaper's secretary 1
6 DIAMONDS.........Reaper's secretary 2
5 HEARTS...........Annoying guy 1
5 DIAMONDS.........Annoying guy 2
4 HEARTS...........Jesus 1
4 DIAMONDS.........Jesus 2
3 HEARTS...........a computer 1
3 DIAMONDS.........a computer 2
2 HEARTS...........the building 1
2 DIAMONDS.........the building 2

And the NetScythe part of the set:

JOKER III...........The Devil 1
JOKER IV...........The Devil 2
ACE CLUBS..........Crazy boss 1
ACE SPADES.........Crazy boss 2
KING CLUBS.........Luke 1
KING SPADES........Luke 2
QUEEN CLUBS........Cynthia 1
QUEEN SPADES.......Cynthia 2
JACK CLUBS.........Pete 1
JACK SPADES........Pete 2
10 CLUBS...........Jake 1
10 SPADES..........Jake 2
9 CLUBS............Mark 1
9 SPADES...........Mark 2
8 CLUBS............
8 SPADES...........
7 CLUBS............
7 SPADES...........
6 CLUBS............
6 SPADES...........
5 CLUBS............
5 SPADES...........
4 CLUBS............
4 SPADES...........
3 CLUBS............
3 SPADES...........
2 CLUBS............
2 SPADES...........

I still have a lot of deciding to do...

annnnnd running late.

That's what you get for getting into the office late (even with enough compensation hours to spare that it didn't matter that I was late to begin with) - all hell breaks loose and you end up being the only one to finish fixing it. And now it's past the time to catch even the SEVEN o'clock train (so the seven thirty'll be mine..) which means it'll be darker than a black steers tucas on a moonless prairy night before I ever see my front door again. And until then there's nothing to do than to wallow in movie quotes and grumble that I wasn't even supposed to be here today !

Well, ok. I was supposed to be here. I guess.
But I *should* have just called in sick and slept in. I sure felt like it, even after oversleeping.
This sucks.

Peak an' Burn.

I had a great week last week. I started a new webcomic based on a completely zany, nay, insane idea and produced a whopping 6 episodes of it before the end of the week. I drew quite a few drawings for the TekenTopic on ClickBurg and amongst them were several I could be quite proud of. Work was going swell as well. Friday evening I went out with my oldest and still pretty much best friend Tom and we had a great time - and that seemed to be the peak.
Saturday afternoon I'd overslept and had to hurry across the country with a bigass suitcase, while drawing as best I could with new (inferior) fineliners while on the train in order to make the NetScythe midnight deadline by the time I got home. I made the deadline, and the episode actually doesn't look half bad. But by then the very awesome feeling of accomplishment and 'being on a roll' had watered down.
Sunday I wasn't motivated for anything. I didn't feel too healthy, either and decided to spend most of the day in bed. Then, of course, in the middle of the night I couldn't catch my sleep... this morning I overslept and made it to work an hour and a half too late, and most of my day so far has been spent tired, grouchy and, frankly, depressed.

Yeah. Just Another Peak 'n Burn. Business as usual, I suppose.

La la la la all better now.

Well, there was some bus fallout and a strike, which meant I nearly missed my dentist appointment AND there was no way to get out of the small village that my dentist is located at, afterwards, but the tooth at least is fixed. And the aenastetic wore off within three hours, which isn't too bad either.
I even didn't mind walking back, so I started walking, and then caught a lucky break because an elderly couple in a car stopped and asked directions for something fairly close to my home. So I proposed that I'd drive along with them - of course, I didn't mention that I have the sense of direction of endangered-panda-sperm, causing us to see half of Tilburg before ending up in the right place. But still, it saved me about an hour's worth of walking.

And again: at least my tooth is fine again ! Wooo !

On a completely different note: to all you people sending me hatemail because I took your beloved Grim DotCom away and replaced it with NetScythe: Thanks for the hatemail, and please, keep sending more, I love this :)

A small thought for you all though: I animated 9/11 into a joke, I sent the pope to hell, I've took a swing at a major Dutch comic artist, and I've bashed women time and time and time and time again. No peep from any of you (the pope episode actually mostly harvested agreement email). So I can safely say that the rabid fans that a lot of other webcomic artists seem to attract, do not read this comic. You all seem to be a reasonable, intelligent, possibly even educated audience. So you didn't get upset over anything else I've done in the comic, and you love what I'm doing and seem to trust that I know really well what I'm doing. Until January 1st, when I did something a bit more drastic and you all decided to email me angry comments demanding that The Grim DotCom returns.

Honestly... you know me a bit by now. Do you really think that demanding something from me will make me comply ? I think it's good we're going through this, you and I, audience. I have a message for all the hatemail-senders out there (meaning my entire audience save one or two who haven't pressed 'send' yet)... and for that, all I have to do is quote a Grim DotCom episode. So here goes:



That's right, I'm in charge and you aren't. And as such, I don't take orders from any of you. If you liked the strip so far, I can only promise you everything will turn out to make sense and it'll all come together again eventually. That's right: show a bit of patience and confidence, NetScythe is an integral part of the bigger story. I am extremely aware of what I'm doing, and you should know that by now, after two and a half years. But hey, I enjoy a good laugh about more hatemail as well as the next comic artist, so by all means, keep sending 'em in :)

Yikes, this is pretty scary, actually.

This morning, just before walking into my office, I got a message from my tongue saying it had discovered something.. unusual. A pretty big hole in my tooth, big enough to be able to feel it. Now, this sort of thing doesn't happen overnight, normally, and it's in a place where I've been drilled before, so I think I swallowed a filling over the course of the night.
However, I haven't made time to go to the dentist in quite some time - I've been, I now kind of regret saying, too busy. So I call my dentist, and the receptionist actually has to enter my data into the computer again. I had been absent long enough to be taken out of the machine. Whoops.
So I set the earliest possible appointment: Friday. And that was fine, in my mind, because of work - I don't work on Friday, so the job / department wouldn't suffer. Ten minutes later I started regretting it, because this thing is getting me more nervous now. From what I can feel there isn't that much tooth in between the nerve and the outside world, so it's not unlikely this will start to hurt like a bitch way before Friday.
So, a bit more freaked out, I called again, and this time stressed the situation a bit more. The earliest they could schedule me, even considering the situation, was tomorrow just before noon. Which'll mean I'll pretty much have to take the day off, because there really is no point in travelling all across the country after that. But my new state of mind right now is 'fuck that, I want this thing fixed ASAP !!!'

This is nerve-wrecking, to know that there could be some really bad pain coming my way, but not to know when it'll hit and how bad it will be. Teeth are scary things, and a major pain in the ass. (Of course, the ass is not an anatomically very usual place to put them) It's interesting how everything's in a different perspective today though: everything they expect me to do, a major server being down, etc. - it all seems a bit.. insignificant. My tooth, damnit, my tooth - THAT's important ! Screw the rest !
It's scary enough for me to wish I had a girlfriend right now (probably the first time in years) because I can definately use someone who'll comfort me and all that good stuff right now. This sucks !

The upcoming year in review.

While everyone and their pet AIBO is making End Of Year lists and looking back, needless to say - for loyal readers and close friends, at least - I'm busy looking ahead. 2006 is going to be an awesome year, or at least one I'm heavily looking forward to. 2005 was a stinker of a year for me on a personal level, but that's good, because it'll be so much easier to have a good year right after that.
Of course, my rebellious 'looking forward' is actually a cloaked 'looking back', but hey, chances are you're all still hung over and half asleep when I publish this, so it will be weeks before anyone bursts that bubble. Whoops, I just did, myself.

2006 will be a year in which I'll return to making webcomics. Sure, I made webcomics in 2005. The Grim DotCom. Some comics at the Tilburg Fair. And a guest comic or two here and there. But really, that was nothing. I wasn't soaring, growing creatively, reaching for the skies, expanding my horizons - I was mostly doing what I already know how to do. I was too busy to do anything else. And I hated being too busy to do anything else. I have been piling interesting ideas up on a shelf, the past year, because I knew I wouldn't have the time available that they would take if I had followed them through. If I had followed them through well. And there's no point in following through good ideas badly. So they've been collecting dust, and it's high time I start dusting some of them off.

2006 will be a year of no more organizing. Well, I may have to eat those words. But the intention is there: none of the endless 'little' crap that's involved in organizing, anymore. And no more ClickBurg. I've done it, I've paid my - well, some - dues in that field and I've found out how much time and energy they cost me. I can't afford it. Not if I have to do the things I want to be doing.
A lot of people keep telling me I have a great 'talent' for oranizing. That's nonsense - what they mean is, I got the job done on several things I was organisationally involved with. But all I did was wat anyone with some common sense would do: say 'it is NOT impossible', then chop everything up into small, performable actions, and going ahead and DOING them. Time for other people to discover it's just that easy. I feel I'm meant for other things. I'm not saying 'better' things, note. OTHER things. I'm not 'above' organizing. It's just something I can't be doing this year, because I have other things I have to be doing.

2006 will be a busy year, work-wise. It may also be the year I leave my current employer. I don't know yet, but it's been on my mind for years. It won't be anytime soon, but the moment may come this year that I decide enough is enough, my role in this story is finished, and I need to move on to a new one.
But until then, I plan to take my job pretty seriously. This department currently direly needs every bit of help the employees can offer, and I intend to do my part. We're not out of the storm yet, and there's still a few heavy winds to take.

2006 will be a year of me trying new things. I got a short taste of being on stage recently and it was interesting. The most interesting part was that it offered different outlets for some of my ideas. And I managed to combine it with outlets I'm more experienced in, which enhanced the set of ideas as a whole, hugely. I was intrigued. And I finished the (small) project with a major feelin of accomplishment. Sure, I had to wear a dress. But screw that, it was a successful artistic endeavour and I pulled it off more than properly. I liked that feeling. I want that feeling again. Of major projects involving lots of things I've never done before that all fall in line together. I'm not saying I'll necessarily go on stage for anything again in 2006, mind you - but I've found that I can. So who knows what kind of live performances might follow.

Most importantly of all... 2006 will be a year where I'll finally make an honest attempt at taking more time for myself. I'll try to have a lot more fun, a lot more rest, and tend to areas of my life and personality that have been heavily neglected this past year to allow focus on other things. And that, I think, will be what I'll like best about 2006 this time next year. If I fail at that, 2006 will have been a faillure altogether. Because it's high time that there's a year again that will be my year.

So. What are YOU going to get out of this year ?