I've been going kinda nuts lately. This whole lifestyle without a relationship that I chose has the obvious result that I'm very lonely - my 'work' (everything involving Probeersel) doesn't make it easier, since barely any of it can be REALLY shared with other people.
And lately I'm kind of suffering it. I mean, never underestimate how great it is to wake up with someone in your arms, or to have someone around who knows you and who is there for you if you need her. And then there's the intimacy and sex, of course, but it's really the loneliness itself that's bugging me the most.
The long time of being alone also has resulted in me not really enjoying being around large bulks of people anymore, like in bars, on the comic convention I went to recently, etcetera. And the longer I'm alone, the more critical I'm becoming of women in terms of wether or not I'd be interested in even talking with them at all.
Today I've been considering the alternative. There *are* hordes upon hordes of terrible women, especially in this country, and I wouldn't want to bother with any of them. I really wouldn't. I'd hate myself for having wasted my time. *shudder*
And then there's the next risk: babies. God damn friggin' babies. They all want 'em - well, most. And I can't stand babies. Even besides that, I don't think continuing my set of genes is a smart thing to do.
And most importantly, I need the loneliness to be able to devote myself to my art. So yes, I'm terribly lonely, and yes, I'm cracking, but when I consider the alternative... I think I'm still better off.
Now all the social gatherings and all other obligations are pretty much done with for a while again, so it's time to work on The Grim DotCom now. the backstash won't last long anymore, so I better get my shit together and start drawing.
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