I am having one of those 'blah' days. The kind where you know something's terribly wrong but you haven't the foggiest clue what it could be. Right now I mostly feel sick of humankind. Especially the moneygrabbing Western world. I have no naive illusions that the people in 'other' cultures (how many countries are left without McDonalds ?) in this world aren't all following their own agenda and that survival of the fittest isn't fairly universal in society, but still. It makes me sick to the stomach. It makes me sick that for money I have to pretend to think our department's product is a good one. It's a crap product and it works shitty. The only reason it's supposed to be ok is because the other competing products within my company are also crap products and work shitty. And that only makes me feel sicker. And that I have to treat people the way I wouldn't want to be treated, myself, just because it's our policy and shit. I feel sick because what am I doing it for ? For some numbers on my bank account.
I'm sick of the people who always pull arguments out of their asses like that you have to be realistic and that money makes the world go round and you can't survive without it. Don't get me wrong, I have more than I can spend, so this is not one of those rants 'poor people' get on. I have loads of something that I really don't want. I just went to grab some quick lunch outside and I felt nauseous standing in line with people anxious to give their money to people anxious to take it from them. I had a coin in my hand and I felt like throwing it at them. Felt like taking out a shitload of cash and just throwing it at people. Then immediately felt sick because I could picture them, not getting offended but scrambling to grab it all. Society really disgusts me.
Even the comic artists I've been talking with the past few days have turned nasty in my eyes. It's all money. You're only a pro when you make money. Webcomics are shit because people can't make their money with them. After all, you have to be realistic. You need to be able to buy your food. Then an anekdote about R.K. Milholland from Something Positive who made a shitload of money simply by asking people to send it to him so he could do webcomics all the time. Now he has a (probably sarcastic but still) banner up telling people to send him more money so he can go buy a mercedes. Which I know will only run for a few years until we've all exhausted the world's supply of gas and oil. What do you think the whole Irak war is about ?
I also get sick when thinking of changing my job. I don't want to get an intake or application interview somewhere else. I don't want the stupid conversations about how much I want to earn. Capitalism makes me sick to the stomach. Always has and always will, with only momentary pauses where I can fool myself to believe it is a good system. It's sick and it makes people turn into monsters. With ties on. And suits. And brand name sunglasses. And lines under their eyes from not getting any sleep because they even work at home to pay for that expensive trip or that second mortgage.
I just want to make nice things. Or help people. And lie in the sun. Or sleep. Or talk with people. All the rest I really wish I wouldn't need. I dunno. Perhaps I'm just tired and need a long while of being around as few people as I can.
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