Change Is Inevitable, Sure.. But...

A few days ago, Dixons announced that it will officially stop selling VCR's. This will probably mean that all other electronic stores will stop as well, which in turn means VHS will start to disappear very, very quickly.
I am sad.
I've always been fond of VHS. Never cared about Betamax or any of the other standards, and I certainly never cared about DVD, but I cared about VHS. I always claimed that a good movie experience always starts with either a theatre ticket or a rattling, black VHS tape. And now it's going to disappear, forever. Future generations will grow up with movie experiences that start with a shiny round disk or the progress bar on your download. Sighhh...
It was inevitable. Yes. I know this. I also know about the strategic (I'd call it sneaky) move that for a few years now, all tapes (at least the ones pre-recorded with movies n stuff on them) were of much lesser quality so they'd break down within a few years (instead of the usual decade). And we all know how hard it's become to find your favourite movies on VHS anymore, in contrast to DVD.
I don't know. I am really gonna miss the big clumbsy rattling cassettes. I never missed audio tapes, or vynil, but I will miss VHS. I'll miss them every time I put a shiny DVD in my player and some videogame-like interface starts up. Other than the extras. You gotta love the extras. VHS barely ever had those.

Look, in the sky ! The apples are returning ! Everyone run !

Ok, that title was justabout the craziest I could think of today. As titles go, at least. As far as user requests and complaints go, I've already seen crazier things come by, and I've only been in the office for a little more than an hour so far yet. I love this job...

Anyway, so what's new ? I'm slacking !! Well, not really, I'm actually putting in fairly good efforts on everything I'm doing, but I seem to be making such little progress everywhere that it feels like I'm slacking. Perhaps I'm finally finding my limits, I don't know. All I know is, things aren't going as fast as I want them to. Or as easy.

So what am I up to ?

First of all, there's still that damn ten page project. Yes, it should have been done months ago. Why am I stuck ? Because drawing women - one of the two major characters is a woman - is not my forte. I've narrowed it down to the eyes: I can't get her eyes believable. This is supposed to be a very gorgeous woman, and I've managed everything else about her character design, but the eyes aren't working out. Frustrating !
Then, as soon as her character design is done, there's still seven pages left to go, some with a lot of experimental stuff, style- and storytelling-wise. Normally I'd find this interesting, but right now it just looks like a truckload of work.
I'll be sooooooo glad when the story's done.

Then there's the ClickBurg webcomics convention I'm trying to organize. Things just aren't happening as fast as I'd like yet. The organisation that takes over the building that we're interesting in holding it in, has not been revealed by the Tilburg municipality yet (of course, civil servants have a reputation of not being speedy decision-makers, or speedy anything, for that matter, so I should have expected this). Also, I've asked a very good friend of mine if he'd like to help out on organizing things, since he's a natural in that field and we can really use his help, and he would get back to me after the weekend. I know it's only Tuesday, but you have to understand, each of my days is packed with activity and information, so time moves reallllly slowly for me, and it seems ages ago that I talked to him about this. It was, in fact, just a week ago.
I'm also supposed to be coding on the site for this convention. It's gonna have a content management system, built from the forum code. But I'm having the jitters - I'm not the world's best coder and I still remember how much of a hassle the Probeersel code was, and this set of code intends to be able to do much more complex stuff ! Still, I've got a PHP & MySQL book handy, and I really just have to apply myself to it. Millions of people around the world have mastered these technologies already, and there is no reason I wouldn't be able to. Meanwhile, by postponing it out of lack of programmer confidence, I now have some three weeks left to finish it. Eeeek.

The Grim DotCom is moving along still, but unknown to most fans of the comic, it isn't updating quite as smoothly as it seems. Normally I'd have at least a few weeks worth of backstash, but in fact, there is *no* backstash right now. That's right, the current episode is the last one so far. Luckily, I encountered a bout of creativity recently which allowed me to write several storyboards for the comic, so I know what to write and draw for the upcoming episodes. It's really a matter of getting 'round to it. In my own defense, I have been really busy with the above, and with a lot of people needing to meet me for a variety of reasons, and besides, I have a picture and a half done already (out of six) for the next episode.

I've also sort of promised to do a guest episode for ROCR to help poor sick Reinder out. Which of course means a completely new style (although I'm pondering another Grim DotCom crossover for this) annnnnnd I haven't fully written the storyboard yet. I have a very rough idea for the joke (although not even a punchline yet, ugh) and that's about it. I have up until and probably including this upcoming weekend.

I'm also reading up on a big, big book by someone I'm going to write a graphic novel about with, er, someone else. Yes, another secret project. And a lot bigger than the ten pages one. Eeesh, how do I keep getting involved in these things ?

Then there's of course just daily Probeersel.com updates. Uploading stuff for other artists, changing things in the code or database, emailing with a lot of people, etc.
But that kind of goes without saying... and let's not forget that I have a full-time job four days a week as well. Besides, I'm sure I'm forgetting some things here.

I need some time off... except the person who can give me time off from work has been beside her husband's hospital bed for over a week now. Which of course makes me feel selfish and whiney and bad for feeling slightly annoyed, but I really really desperately need this time off and it hasn't been approved.

So that's my two whiney cents. On a bright note, I've been talking with Sionnain again recently a few times, for the first time in lord knows how long. I did speak with her shortly, occasionally, during all her ordeals the past year, but that never took long and I've really missed her. She's doing relatively well now and I'm glad for that. It's always great talking with her, so I guess it compensates a bit for the above.

But man, when am I gonna learn to just tone down on my many activities and go for a slightly easier life ?? By the way - pretty much all of the mentioned above is stuff that needs to be done either this week or within the next month... so I'm not even mentioning I still have two big other graphic novel projects lying around, Probeersel book 4 and 5 still need to be converted, the Probeersel.com engine still needs to be further developed so the staff can make easier updates, and next year The Grim DotCom starts off on another big storyline... Betting starts now on how young I'll die. I'm putting a tenner on 'before I turn 27'.

You're Watching BNW, Bad NewsWeek, All Bad News, All The Time.

It's turning out to be a rather weird week. First thing Monday, news came in that a direct colleague of our contractor colleagues had died over the weekend from cancer. Another colleague would have his last working day that day, before going on pension, and a big party was planned which consequently got postponed to some undetermined date. He's also not much of a guy for big goodbyes, so basically he gave everyone a hand at the end of the day, put on his jacket and left.
Then later that week, another colleague's husband fell ill. My own grandfather is also in the hospital for heart problems, being operated this week. And just half an hour or so ago, I heard back from the department which was supposed to offer me a new (and better) job, but let me know their plans fell through and they can't offer it.
The death of Prince Bernhard honestly doesn't concern me at all (I never cared even the slightest bit about the Dutch royalty and my life wouldn't be any different without them) but it definately seems to be the icing on the cake.

Speechless. Nearly.

Here's one for the anti-environmentalists amongst you.
Take a moment to read this news article.

Now: feel ashamed. Take your trash back inside and start recycling. And stop voting for moneygrabbing dicks and start voting for the environment. And quit referring to people who care about nature as 'tree-hugging hippies'.

Do I have to tell you people what to do ALL THE TIME ?!

I didn't learn much, this time around.

Although Wednesday and most of Thursday were kind of low on activity for me, being ill and all (feverish, semi-delirious, and downling gallons of stuff like milk and bitter lemon) one of the things I did do while conscious was watch a few new movies in my collection (I had the time for it, after all..).

The one I appreciated best was The Straight Story. It re-inspired my own (legendary) stubbornness (because it always goes to show that enough stubornness, when thrown in a mix with enough time, can get you anywhere) and so, by Thursday evening, I was up and about, getting things done (while still coughing quite a lot) and I've been busy designing something that needs to be at the print shop early tomorrow. Well, today, really, seeing as how it's 3 30 now.
I'm still not in the best shape I've been but my head's a lot clearer than it was yesterday, the coughing's less rough and less frequent, and so I hope I can handle the upcoming Friday. It's not going to be a smooth ride, from the looks of it:
First there's the print shop, where I have to get a booklet printed, and also hand over the Str!pdagen booklet files again for a second printing (for the Probeersel.com artists only) as well as several business cards (again, for the Probeersel artists). I also have to shop for a birthday present, and then I have to be back at home by noon, because somewhere between noon and 6 the ADSL man is visiting to set my access up. I could do this myself, no doubt, but I'm ill and I have better things to do with my time than fiddle with that stuff when a pro can just come by and do this for me, for a relatively sweet price. While he (or she, but statistically these people are most commonly male) is messing with the modem and my PC I'll be perfecting a new storyboard for The Grim DotCom as well as attempting to come up with another one, so I can draw Saturday and keep the illusion of a backstash going. Then after 6 (or earlier, depending on when ADSL-man is done) I have to hurry and get all the groceries for next week in da house, and once that's done, I have to be off to a birthday party I promised I'd go to (hence the birthday shopping early in the morning). I'm sure sleep and food have a place somewhere in that schedule, too. Normally a day like that would be a piece of cake for me (hell, aren't all my days like that lately ??) but as said, I'm still ill, so I hope I can handle it all. If not, it'll be the shortest birthday visit I've made in quite a while.
Now if you'll excuse me, my head is killing me and I could use at least a little bit of sleep before all this madness commences.

Ill.

I'm ill. I'm fairly certain it has to do with biking through wet ice-cold snow last Friday to do groceries, and getting completely soaked in both directions of the ride.
And it's extremely inconvenient, because this is a very, very busy week for me and a lot needs to get done. With that in mind, I decided to spend the entire day in bed - but I feel slightly more capable of handling (a small bit of) the world right now, so I'm up. Reluctantly and meanwhile coughing up my longues. And dressed as if this is an arctic area.

That's all for now. I hope you understand I don't feel like updating.

Special delivery: Fear, just like you ordered.

The heated debates and opinions about Theo van Gogh's death are quieting down a bit. Instead, people are blowing up buildings now. Nice.
I dunno. I get queasy when I see the masses of people getting afraid. People do the weirdest things when in fear - they get so easily manipulated by leaders, or they group against other people, or they get violent.. all rational thought and action goes straight out the window. All they can think about anymore is fighting 'the enemy' and somehow restoring their own illusion of safety that way again. Once the bad guys are gone, all will be safe and we'll live happily ever after.
I think if Michael Moore showed us something (with Bowling For Columbine), it's that that won't happen. We'll always find something else to be afraid of. And if we don't, the media and our leaders will. I'm sure in some ways fear keeps us in line, makes us decent people amongst (most of) our fellow man, or something. But can't we be decent without fear ? I know I'm fairly decent, and I chucked all fear out the window about a decade ago (I replaced it with rational, realistic thought - yeah, I know, revolutionary stuff, where do I get this crap from huh ?) so why can't we all ?

Why can't we all... just stop fearing each other ?

Fear. Buy it now. Available anywhere near you.

Today Theo van Gogh, writer and movie-maker, as well as well-known Dutch public figure, was murdered in public. Although it took a long time to confirm, latest news updates seem to state that the perpetrator 'looked Arabic', and after Van Gogh was shot, a message apparently was pinned on him. Van Gogh was well-known for his strong, controversial, anti-Muslim (extremist) opinions, and, although nowhere officially confirmed, assumptions are abundant that he was murdered for those very opinions.
Everybody and everything is discussing it. I couldn't walk the streets without getting interviewed about my opinion, and the one 'big' question they had for me was wether or not I was now afraid to express my opinion. The simple answer is: NO. "Not even if you could get killed because of it ?" NO. "May we ask why ?" Because if we start being too afraid to express our opinions, regardless of their consequences, we're officially a country where I don't want to live anymore. When you stop expressing your opinion out of fear of violence, you're giving up on public debate and free speech, the main two qualities of a DEMOCRACY. When you become ruled by such fears, you're in a DICTATORSHIP. That's a very black-and-white viewpoint, I'll admit, but my point remains: no matter what extremes some INDIVIDUALS go to when you have controversial opinions, you should never feel CENSORED.
But that's not what the government wants. Or wat the media wants. Fear sells, and fear blinds, fear allows actions taken 'in your best interest' when they really aren't. This is what happened in the States, this is what ALMOST happened after the political assassination of Pim Fortuyn in May 2002 in this country. I'll be damned if I'll let it happen now. Show up at my door, armed with an UZI or whatever, and ask me for my opinion. I hereby guarantee you, you will get an honest answer. No matter what you threaten to do to me. Because each and every one of us who continues to express themselves honestly and freely, is a sign that this is still a free country and no matter which individual may or may not get away with killing someone for their opinion, it doesn't make a real difference to our freedoms. If you stop saying what you think out of fear, you give up your most important right. And if you act on fear, you become a string puppet to manipulation of media, commerce, and government. So don't.

This is one thing I won't apologise for. The above expresses exactly how I feel.
I know that in the past few days, several roles I've taken on have forced me to apologise to some people for actions I didn't feel I did wrong. And I also made a few screw-ups because I stepped out of my role and acted as my own person. But the above I'm saying as MYSELF. René van Densen, Tilburg. I'm in the friggin' phone book, so if you want me for it, come get me. I have nothing to hide.

But all the things that I've done, said, and experienced the past week did basically leave me a bit sickened with people for a while. Instead, I stayed in tonight and enjoyed watching my cats.
Aren't they cute ? Look - they're NOT killing each other !

Another Work Vacation...

So, René, you haven't updated your blog, what's new ?
Well, for one, the Str!pdagen are over now. And I sort of had a good time although I don't think Probeersel.com would fit in well there. So that's a no go on us getting a booth there next year.
I did meet a large amount of comic artists and other people I'd until then only known from online, as well as meet up again with people I'd met before. I handed out a bunch of T-shirts (since the competition at Probeersel.com just isn't coming along at all, and at some point I do want a third edition out there, with a design from Gregory Cathalina on it !) and so when I returned and finally could start my two week vacation, I 'grew' a to-do list.
That's right.. you know how it goes.. you meet a lot of new people, exchange email addresses and site links, then you need to update your site (including reviews for new links), you find out that there are several bugs in the new engine that somehow need fixing, you're emailing everyone from Probeersel.com to enquire how many copies of the Showcase Booklet they want for themselves from the second printing, you're framing an original drawing from someone for someone else's birthday, you're sending and uploading photos from the convention, you're trying to contact new artists who you're hoping will be interested in joining the site, you're creating new link banners, an artist comes by your place to bounce ideas for a comic he wishes to do, your cats are peeing in the attic and you want to solve that once and for all, you have to move a dental appointment in the near future to a more closeby town, you have several agencies that you need your address changed with since you always forgot those, you have new bills, including phonebill, to pay, which makes you decide to switch to ADSL after all (coming sometime soon I hope), you're trying to figure out all the information required to organise the Netherlands' first ever Webcomics-convention, and this upcoming weekend you need to write a half year report. Also, you have a major ten page project on your hands that isn't coming along too quickly, and a weekly webcomic that desperately requires attention. And not to mention that on monday night, you got a GREAT idea for a new graphic novel, almost forgetting you still have two other big projects lined up first.

Or maybe that's just how the first week of my vacation goes, and you are actually smart and just take lots of rest and go do fun stuff.

Slavin' away, as usual.

So I showed up at work today despite feeling kind of ill early in the morning, and dog tired. I walk in, switch on the computer, and voila - nothing.
The power was off ! There was a change during the weekend in the building, and apparently a few servers we needed to keep powered on caused a power surge and blew a fuse for the entire power block. So for a good hour or so, we all sat around and found out how little work we can do without power. It was funny ! Sure, at the time I was still sleepy-groggy and annoyed that I had to get up for that, but it was funny nonetheless. If I didn't have a baseball on my desk (I always have one) we wouldn't have had ANYTHING to do. So instead we tossed the ball around to one another. That's what all our advanced tasks and skills boil down to once the power is off. It's good to realise that once in a while.

I've been busy working on the booklet last weekend, and, well, as I mentioned on the group blog, I'm not completely happy with how it turned out, but it's not bad either, so to hell with that. It'll be done on time, and it'll serve its purpose well.
In preparation for the expected increase in site visitors, Tom and I have been really busy with the new setup also - I probably have mentioned this before, but the new setup basically doesn't change how things look, just the speed with which the pages will be generated, and it will cause much less trouble for the server. This means the server won't cripple if we do get thousands of visitors suddenly.
I'm also trying to figure out the new admin interface, since we won't be able to maintain the site in the old easy way. Tom basically says we should keep it simple and quick 'n dirty, but I want to get Greg and Sio more involved if they still want to be, and that would require a good interface to do nearly everything with in very userfriendly ways. So that takes a lot of figuring out.

Blah. Meanwhile, The Grim DotCom and the mystery project have seen no actual work from me this past weekend. Yes, I gave them both a lot of thought, storyboard-wise, but I haven't gotten anything concrete out of it that I'm happy with. So I guess it remains all technical work and little drawing play until I know what I should do with them.

Stress Update

I've had a pretty weird week so far. The first two days I was bored out of my wits at work because I had nothing (much) to do (meaning, I wasn't even averagely busy but just occasionally had something to do) and then Wednesdag and Thursday it was almost as if our clients SMELLED whenever it was inconvenient to call or mail. Those two days definately were reasonably action-packed and I couldn't get myself to draw much in the evening because I was wiped. I did draw on Monday and Tuesday, though, although that mostly consisted of more fiddling with a character design for the mystery project that isn't coming out as well as I hoped. Still tweaking with that, in fact.
Update on the new job: offer is postponed to about two months from now, which is good (in a 'my glass is half full'-way) because that means I can take more time off again. I don't think I'll get rid of all the free weeks I have stored up, but one or two more will be nice. That'd leave some seven weeks, plus the five I'll get again next year.. I'm thinking 'very very very long summer holiday'. Sounds good, no ?
Especially with the way things are developing.. more and more activities to come for Probeersel (also next year), perhaps finally time (and abilities) to work on several projects I've been meaning to work on for ages now. And, of course, a busy new job by then. Good grief, when did my life get this crazy ?
Yes, yes, I know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Meanwhile, though, I'm waiting for Gregory to send in his stuff for the Probeersel booklet, which he promised to have ready by yesterday evening. The original plan was that today I'd go by all the print and copyshops and get cost estimates, to find the best price/quality comparison, and if possible already get them started on it so it'd be ready by next week. Then I could take it to its destination the weekend after next and everything would be guaranteed to go. So I'm kind of pissed off today.

Heartless Bastards Anonymous

I'm sure I'm going to come off as a heartless asshole when I write this, but I've come to the conclusion that my family and I need to break up. This relationship isn't working - it hasn't for some 20 years and for the past decade I've tried every way to get out of it as clean as possible. But things just keep getting worse and worse, and I think it would be wise if we don't see each other anymore.

That's how one would treat a friendship or relationship breaking up, right ? Why can't it work that way with family ? I know that anyone who thinks I'm heartless for writing this probably has a lot of love or even a great relationship with their family, but I really don't. I can barely remember more than a handful moments that I enjoyed their company or really appreciated their help, interference or even advice. What's worse, I hate spending time with them. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself every time I get talked into going to yet another birthday or whatever, and I sit on my bike or on the train feeling awful and hoping to get this over with as soon as possible again. The feeling you get when you know you're a spineless bastard for agreeing with things against your will.
My family owns the patent on emotional blackmail, they have a natural nack for making you feel guilty for not wanting to do something for them or spending time with them, on ridiculous grounds ('but she babysat for you when you were two', 'you puked on her dress when you were three and a half months, you owe her !'). I'll happily accept that I owe my family SOMETHING, but when and where do I stop owing them already ?? There are no rules or guidelines on this, because everyone always friggin' sticks with their family their whole lives. There is no clean moment when the debt is paid off and you can say a proper farewell to these people you've been stuck with since birth and move on with your life.
At school, on vacation, in prison, sure, you also get stuck with a lot of people. But at some point YOU get out of it, and they won't feel hurt for leaving them behind and moving on. If that goes for even THOSE involuntary companionships, why can't it work for family ?

I don't have too many memories from before I was six, and the few I have are sort of unreliable. But as far as I can remember I barely ever felt I belonged with these people, and even when I did I still didn't feel beyond doubt. I could doubt it at all times in my life, easily, so it's safe to say that in my heart, I've never been part of this family. They're all great people and mean well, but I don't care about them. No matter how hard I try, as soon as any one of them dies, it might as well be my neighbour or someone I vaguely met sometime passing on to the other realm. And yes, this sounds heartless. I guess maybe it is. But it'd be much more heartless to pretend I do care about these people, to keep up this empty pretense I've kept up for twenty plus years now, and continue to allow them to hold me back.

Because that's the main problem here ! They're holding me back ! They're a major, major obstruction in my way to things I want, no, need to do. You gotta understand, I come from a post-war Catholic family, so if you add up all the aunts, uncles, their spouses, children, boy- and girlfriends, there must be a total of 120 people or so, forming one huge concrete block on my leg ! You need to stay in touch with this person because it's the decent thing to do, and if you do, then you also need to get in touch with that person or else you're just a picky asshole, and you need to go to this birthday and you need to help out that person etc etc etc etc.
I'M FED UP WITH IT ! FOR GOOD !

I'm serious about all of this. To some it might seem like I'm joking but this is a major burden I've been carrying around my entire life. I want to get rid of all of them, it's the only way out of this. If I don't, I'll be on the couch daily by the time I'm 30, talking to the shrink who tries to figure out why I went completely mad.

So this is it. I'm sorry, Mom, Dad, brother, everyone, but I'm not making time for you anymore. I'm breaking up. I think it would be best if we don't speak anymore. Don't call me anymore (which you always do when I'm on the toilet, or just biting into a pizza, or any conceivable other inconvenient time), don't email me anymore, don't visit, it's over. I have paid my debts and now it's time to come clean and admit: I never wanted any part of this family. Why else do you think I wanted to move abroad, or was in such a rush to move out on my own, and - despite it actually being true - why do you think I'm always so busy ?? Get the clue ! I don't want to spend time with you all, and I'm not going to get guilt-tripped into biking to some stupid village on Sunday morning anymore (getting up early on Sunday is practically a crime for me) to sit around with people I want to get away from as soon as possible again. It's not going to happen.

Now, some might say, you can't break up with your family. I was told this nonsense from the start as well. But you know what ? Someone in my family already has ! I have an aunt who was basically kicked out of the family after a major fight, and she's barely even mentioned anymore, like she never was part of the family. She's still from the same blood, but everyone pretends she's not. And that's when it dawned on me: you're part of the family, except when you really DON'T want to be. And I really DON'T want to be. So just pretend I never was family. Don't do me any favours anymore. Don't contact me anymore. Give me the exact same cold shoulder you gave my aunt - I need it. It's the only thing you can really do for me..
Set - me - free.

I have things to do that I can't use 120 people holding me back with. And every one of us only gets so much time in their lives, I intend to use it fully. That means that from now on, you all aren't getting any of that time anymore. The well is dry, my debt is paid. It's over.

I'm ready to order.. some Peace and Quiet, please. Can I take that to go ?

Good grief, what a week. I've resumed my job, of course, and it's been a most eventful week there. Also in my own time - nearly every evening this week has been spent with other people. My friend Dave, comic artist Bandirah, comic journalist Johan de Rooij, and tonight Tom was supposed to come over but I'm sort of glad he called that off because I'm beat. I haven't done anything all day simply because I'm so tired. And somehow I'll have to work on The Grim DotCom and the mystery comic, then tomorrow evening I'm supposed to go out with the roommie and some of our friends, and then Sunday morning I have to bike to the middle of nowhere for a birthday brunch of my grandmother's. Monday'll be Animal Day, Tuesday I must remember my parents' wedding anniversary, later that week the roommie celebrates his birthday... I am busy puzzling together the Probeersel booklet as well. I dunno, on one hand I love it - I like keeping busy - but I've come to realise I've become quite homey the past few years. I like being home, watching a few movies, spending time with the cats, drawing, reading, etc. and most importantly I can use some rest.
I think an entire lifetime of having been very busy is starting to catch up with me.

To top it all off some people are making snarly comments towards me that I don't deserve, both on- and offline, and they're kind of annoying me.
Wasn't life supposed to get reasonably good at some point ? That's the lie they raise us with, and I'm still naively waiting around for that shit to happen.

Death Awaits - more and more impatiently !

I feel like I owe the Grim Reaper an apology: the days of this vacation keep passing and things just keep getting in the way of actually sitting down and working on The Grim DotCom. Today it was, well, sleeping in until very late (hey, it's my vacation, screw you if you're judgemental about it) which was made easy with all the rainstorms outside. (I sleep really deep when rain hits my window.)

But I also spent a good deal of time, after that, on Probeersel.com, I'm proud to admit: first, a new batch of episodes of RexRex was delivered to my (snail)mailbox which needed scanning and uploading, and then I had to assist Tom in working on the new site setup by converting a huge amount of data from my current database-setup to MySQL. Which was, well, hours upon hours of work. So I haven't exactly been slacking, but I haven't been hitting the drawing board either. Sorry, Grim. But hey, I still have plenty of time until, err.. the last episode that's been made so far appears next Sunday. Ok, I really should git ta drawin' sometime soon. Next priority. After several social responsibilities tomorrow. I promise.

How I Spent My "Summer" Vacation.

Damnit - the whole week, bad weather has been predicted. But ahwell - it'll make it easier to get some sleep. Anyway, I guess I should update this and let you all know how I spent my free time so far.
First off, I slept most of Wednesday - and can you blame me ? My burnout really was peaking pretty much, so I could use the rest to say the least. I've been sleeping quite a bit to be honest since then, too. I've enjoyed a few hours in the backyard in the cold september sun on Friday afternoon, after I got back from Waspik where I visited my doctor to get my ear cleaned out (FINALLY ! It's been shut for MONTHS now !) and visited my grandmother and my father since I was in the neighbourhood, and, for once, had time to do so. I also spent time at the Cul de Sac a few times, of course, and I've been fiddling with Grim DotCom storyboards.
But most importantly: for days now, I've been cramming out episodes of Worst Case Scenario. And as I write this, I've just uploaded.. THE LAST ONE !
That's right: I'm off the hook ! The episodes will continue to appear online until the last one on October 12, and then it ends, and all these episodes have now been drawn and uploaded. My hands are free ! Well, more free, at least. The biggest four things on my plate now, comic-wise, are The Grim DotCom (oops, backstash all gone, next sunday's the last episode I finished so far, so I need to get my butt in gear !), the mystery project, reformatting the Probeersel books, and Non Biblia Sacra, story 1. Sionnain also asked me to assist on Penguism episodes so no doubt I'll be doing that as well - but still: the daily comic is gone ! After a year, this foolish joke that got out of hand is finally over. Good grief - I'm never, NEVER doing that again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go celebrate, downstairs. And then, starting tomorrow, some of my other comic work is up next. Talk with you later !

Yes ! Yesyesyesyesyes !

A week and a half off.

A WEEK AND A HALF.

OFF.

No work. Not having to go to Amsterdam. Not having to solve stupid problems or update all sorts of inane news headlines. Time I can spend whichever way I want, most importantly: I get to SLEEP. Hours and hours of sweet, wonderful sleep await me.

I love this shit. Although I can't quite believe it yet.

High Standards In I.T. Quality

So yeah, today was the big friggin' day. The day the biggest, most important step in this ever-dragging-on project where, basically, the server is made as secure as we can. Between 3 and 4 in the afternoon. Of course I was dead nerveous, because the people in this project haven't consistently been too reliable (sometimes they were, sometimes they were the exact opposite), things have often been forgotten, overlooked, neglected, etc. and my ability to take some TIME OFF was directly on the line. Even besides the fact that some 200 users would be furiously on the phone if we failed, and there was no way to do a roll-back.

So come 3 30, I get notice that the user rights have been changed correctly. I test it, of course, and lo and behold: IT DOESN'T WORK ! I'm panicking, and trying to reach another project member who might be able to figure out why it's not working, until in a very short moment of clarity I decide to let a USER test as well. And, completely to my surprise, it works fine.

So we got the server secure and working, for all users... except the people IN OUR OWN WEB TEAM.

I can't believe it.. I actually have a valid excuse for not performing any publishing services for anyone ! This isn't even a case of "I'll laugh about it later", I'm already laughing. Bloody hilarious.
Vacation time coming soon now, I can feel it. More to come in the next few days.

Exhausted just doesn't even discribe it.

That'd be pretty accurately how I've been feeling as of late. Without Damien shouting 'good morning' of course - that'd freak the living hell out of me.

I wish they'd stop rerunning Buffy episodes I haven't seen yet at such damn late hours. (Sure, blame it on Michelle Gellar, René, and not on your complete lack of taking up any vacation time)

Hard Liquor.

Shaved me a porn moustache. I'll probably be bored with it by tomorrow, but right now it amuses me.
I can't believe how tired I've gotten - and still am. It takes me so much effort right now just to keep up a semi-regular comic schedule.. I'm really burnt up. I need a vacation.
Last weekend I poured some effort into Worst Case Scenario, The Grim DotCom and the new mystery project, although mostly in storyboarding the latter, since I'm hesitant to just DRAW it and get stranded with pages I didn't intend that way. That's the biggest problem: I'm not so much tired physically, but mentally. So I have trouble visualising how I want the end result of my drawings to come out, so I'm resorted to just... drawing. Doodling, trying to get a spectacular result, but not really in control of what I'm doing. I don't like it.
And at work it's not much better. I'm putting in justabout the minimal amount of effort and can't be bothered to show too much initiative. I'm a shell of the employee I was - and it's all thanks to fatigue.
I don't *want* to complain about it, since it certainly isn't cancer or any rare blood disease or anything. But I barely recognize myself right now. And that can't be good either.

I hope I can get some sleep sometime soon. For days and days. Not just a few hours.

Time to get a bit mean.

Well, I can be a vindictive little prick when it comes down to it, as overseascartoon@126.com is about to find out. See, overseascartoon@126.com is the email address that has been sending us at Probeersel spam over the past days. Over and over and over the very same email, wether 'our company' wants to buy a booth on an Asian cartooning/animation convention. Well, overseascartoon@126.com, no, we don't. As you, overseascartoon@126.com, should have realised when we didn't respond to the first 20 emails. So, overseascartoon@126.com, I am now so fed up with you after you, overseascartoon@126.com, sent us another four such emails today, that I'm signing you, overseascartoon@126.com, up for every newsletter, every free product, every porn site, every bottle of viagra, every anti-spam policy, and ANYTHING else, that I can find. And I also hope to make sure that you, overseascartoon@126.com, are hereby picked up by whatever spam-spiders are crawling the web, because it's time that you, overseascartoon@126.com, get a taste of your own medicine.
Seeyah. overseascartoon@126.com.

About To Get Even More Busy.

I've sort of committed myself to a comics project I've been offered to co-operate on today. I can't disclose any details since it's all in infant shoes but I assure you, in due time I will reveal much, much more about it. The one question I hope this raises in your head as it did in mine for a while is, why on earth is René piling his plate up even fuller than it already was ??
Well, the work I'll be doing is kind of related to the work I'm doing for the Grim DotCom right now, and it'll be interesting to do something completely different. The main reason I agreed to do it is because it got me semi-excited - excited enough to have already sort of started on it. And I haven't gotten excited about anything in quite a while now.
So. Greg, eat your heart out - you're not the only one with a big mystery project coming up anymore ! Of course, I'd be spilling details and hints all over the place if it wasn't a secret project involving OTHER people who don't want their work revealed. Let's just say that it's not Probeersel.com related for a change, although in due time I'll make sure to showcase my own work in this Secret Project on the site, of course. If all this got you curious, too bad - you'd have to get me REALLY drunk in order for me to reveal any of it, and trust me, I don't get drunk that easily.

There. That should keep you all on your toes for any clues over the upcoming months.

Return of the Ice Queen

Here's a little post for those of you who've known me for longer than two-and-a-half year: the Ice Queen has returned. For real. She was still employed at my company but located in a completely different part of the building, then headed off to Singapore for nine months for reorganisational purposes and has now returned, to the department directly below ours. So I bump into her again during smoke breaks outside (in glorious weather, usually).
For the uninformed a quick boil-down: the Ice Queen is the loving nickname for a coworker from another department that I had a crush on for a while but she was completely unapproachable. Not that I didn't try to get conversations going etc. but she was very standoffish and seemed cold and indifferent to everything and everyone.
Now that time has gone by I'm just friendly to her, and she's surprisingly friendly back nowadays - she even waved at me earlier today. But that might have something to do with her soon leaving the company for good, I dunno. All I know is that despite having lost romantic interest, she turns out to be quite nice and even somewhat interesting when a bit more relaxed, and she remains drop dead gorgeous as well.

Since some of you have upon occasion enquired about her and I couldn't give an answer because I simply didn't know how she was doing or where she was, consider this a little update on your behalves.

Even more tired now.

Spiraling even faster and deeper down into total exhaustion. Right now to the point that I'm fed up with my 'posse' friends and my roommate. They all went out yesterday and had a splendid time without me and with no realistic means of me contacting them. I got home from the departure drink of a much appreciated colleague in Amsterdam, by 7 30, but no one was there. I first just lay on my bed for hours with some music on, incapable of anything else anymore.
Then when I had a tiny bit of energy again I dragged my sorry old carcass downstairs and actually really enjoyed having the house to myself. The only thing ruining it was knowing my roommate and 'his' friends could return at any time. And they did, at 2. Blah. It was ok, I guess, hanging out for a while watching Coupling series 3 which I was watching. But this morning one of them (who slept over in the guest bedroom) and my roommate took off at 10, obviously not bothering to say goodbye or anything, and I wasn't sorry about it one bit. They'd woken me up but I remained in bed pretending I was still deep asleep and I couldn't wait for them to fuck off.
I then got up and took care of a few things online that needed to be done, then leapt back into bed for another few hours to sleep more. Of course, just then, my roommate had returned and threw in a load of laundry.

IT'S STILL IN THERE. And I really need to do some as well, because the last couple of times that I should have done it he also sneaked in before me and I decided to wait. And of course waited and waited and waited and then the weekend's over and during the week I don't have the time to wait for the laundry to finish and put it up on the line. So now I'm on the verge of running out of clothes and the asshole AGAIN leaves his fucking laundry in there. And I knocked on his fucking door but he apparently has headphones on, and if I just open the door to ask him nicely to take out the laundry, he's gonna give me about the biggest fucking attitude - I've been there before, trust me. I keep putting up with this shit of his, FUCK !
So I *EMAILED* him now. Several hours ago. Does he check his mail ? No.

I wish he took a god damn vacation for a while or something. Leave the country, go have fun. Or stay over with our friends who are slowly becoming YOUR friends. Fuck, all I want is some peace and quiet. The house to myself. Freedom to do the things I need to do. And some god damn rest. No obnoxious coughing. No 'hey dude' everytime he walks by. None of his breakfast on MY POOLTABLE. No attitude about anything I want or need to do. No bitching about the cats being allowed to go outside. The absence of his friggin' carcass in MY hammock.

I'm overreacting, but really, I could do without him for a while. And without my so-called friends. And without everyone. Including the much before-mentioned 7-year crush girl. And work. And even the comic artists.

I just want some rest. Plenty of people seem to get it, so why can't I ? Isn't THAT something I can ask for my birthday ?

I don't even know what to put here.

Me, me, me, blah blah blah.

Yes, I'm gonna whine. Everyone seems to expect me to hold up under everything I'm put through, and to do so I really need to vent from time to time.

I really would handle everything a lot better right now if there wasn't so much crap going on. Greg's illness just goes on and on without the Medics offering any improvement, and now Sionnain has a tumor on top of her other trouble.
Work is insane but mostly because so many big problems just linger on and on and I'm caught in the middle relying on other people to fix them, who, of course, don't. Yay.
The weather isn't helping, this'll be the umteenth night in a row that I won't get any decent sleep because of the heat. Also the deadline is creeping closer to get everything arranged about the switch to another job within the company and.. I dunno. Things aren't exactly CERTAIN yet and if I screw this up, opportunity's probably gone.

I dunno. I just wish everything was fixed. Or that I was left alone for a while. To sleep. Or rest, at least. Perhaps even get some time to have a bit of fun. I tasted some fun last weekend and I want more.

I just want to be rid of feeling rushed. And lonely. And tired.
I want to feel good again. My heart's not into things. I'm slacking on the Grim DotCom work to the absolute minimum, I'm feeling a growing hate towards the daily Worst Case Scenario, the fun things happening to me feel really bland, I act less and less responsible and professional at work, and I don't feel passionate about everything anymore. If anything screams 'René needs a break', I think it's all of the above together.

Then again, perhaps just a good night's sleep would help as well.

Goodbye, 25...

Well, apparently it's my 26th birthday as of now, so if you'll excuse me, I'll be celebrating it by first catching way too little sleep, then having to go to work, then hopefully getting to leave work a little earlier after which I'll be hiding out in Arnhem. Not going into further details, just don't try to find me. Begone, you congratulators ! Shoo !

I Feel Like Whining.

Today was horrible. Satan had stayed outside all night despite me calling him several times last night and delaying my bed time (the arrogant little prick just sat there on the shed roof lookin down on me) and I only just stopped myself from kicking him as he hurried inside this morning. I slept too short (even though I went to bed very early) and the first half of the day at work was incredibly busy with a lot of mess that was left over. Within a few intensive hours I 'cleaned up' some 30+ emails. Yay...
The regular sites and forums were slow and uninteresting today as well so the web failed to interest me inbetween takes. Even the talk with Reinder is starting to lose my interest, mainly because of the rude 'yawn' interruption some anonymous asshole posted. It's not Reinder's fault because he actually manages to keep the talk rather interesting (to me, which is what matters in such a conversation, right ?) but once people start to pull that kind of crap, I kind of cease to care.
My English was even rather bad today (I had to meet with a client) and I made a few other sloppy mistakes that I normally wouldn't have made. I left home early ("fuck it") and on the way home bumped into an old friend from my student days. Getting home early enabled me to catch a last few rays of sunlight before sitting down at the PC and uploading some more 'special day' facts for the Probeersel site that Dirk Arend sent in.
So, normally, this would have been a relatively interesting day. But not today. My heart wasn't in any of it and I had a crap time. I can get into where my heart WAS at the time but screw that, I don't feel like it. Just felt like whining for a moment about my crap day.

Admiration Overload.

After another long and horrible day at work that I'm not going to get into, at my transfer in 's Hertogenbosch on my way home I decided 'fuck it' and went to the Sylvester comics store to finally buy the stuff I know has come out by now. Had an interesting talk with store- and publishing agency-owner Sylvio where once again I tried to convince him of the worth of webcomics AND of the Stripliefhebbers Forum which I really think stands apart from the bulk of online forums, but I have no clue if it was to any avail. Anywho.

I am currently in awe. Of several pieces of art. And that's what I want to talk about in this post because I need to get it out of my system. My eyes are shimmering with excitement just to get these thoughts down 'on paper', so to speak, and it's a feeling I haven't had in a long, long time. I wish the feeling could be about a comics idea but that hasn't happened in months - although I feel intrigued by taking on the Dutch 'christianity' next week in Worst Case Scenario, but that's a different story and definately not the excitement I'm talking about here.

First of all, I bought Bone album 9. The final, FINAL book. Rounding up a series I've been collecting for a decade now, and lord knows Jeff Smith worked on it longer than that. And although I feared it would be very constructed, pathetically tying up the incredible chaos of loose ends that the other albums left up to and including album 8, everything falls into place. I really should have had more confidence in Smith's genius, man. The book had me laughing, crying, and closing the last pages (there's a few loose extras that appeared along the way in the loose issues and have now been included in this last album - but, unexpectedly, fit awesomely well at the end) with a full feeling of closure. You read these books and fall in love with the characters, and find yourself wanting more and more through all of Smith's wonderfully intuitive writing tricks, and yet, with this final album, the story is over. You're not sad, you're not happy, it just works. It really is over. Milking this out would be wrong, and this series has definately become a prime example of integrity, 'keeping it real' as fake people like to say, making art as opposed to marketing a popular product. I'm in deep, deep awe and anyone who hasn't given these books the slightest chance to enter their worlds is poorly off for it.

Then I made another mistake, I popped in the SECOND dvd of Almost Famous. I know and love the movie, but when I bought it I found out they insered a second dvd - which usually just contains extras, or deleted scenes, or interviews, or whatever. Well, .... bloody hell. This second dvd is the same movie, except the EXTENDED VERSION. And where most extended versions DO add to the movie but don't CHANGE it, this really is a different movie altogether. The original really put the emphasis on the mother who's worried sick about William travelling along with the band Stillwater trying desperately to write his article on them and falling in love with Lady "Penny Lane" Goodman, but the REAL movie... I can't believe they cut so much out. The editor of that movie should be lined up against a wall and shot. It's a miracle the cut version came out so well because so damn many great jokes, tender moments, insightful and intelligent dialogue, and key moments have just been tossed on the editor floor. I am glad, incredibly glad, that Cameron Crowe had the decency to include this uncut version (titled "Untitled") in the package, and even more glad that I decided to watch it. Where the cut version makes Russell initially come off as 'mysterious' because he's barely talking in the first part of the movie, this version has him chatting away and at the same time make it painstakingly clear why he's not yet SAYING anything yet, at least not anything William can use in his article. The 'funny' decisions (because you don't quite know where they come from) in the cut version are decently worked up to in this version (you get to see the stuff that leads up to it) which makes the movie and the story flow. I have no clue why they cut all this great stuff out - probably because they feared the public wouldn't understand the observational gems and storyline twists that the REAL version so masterfully contains. I dunno. There's also a lot of dramatic irony that was cut away - again, I suspect this was because the editor feared the audience wouldn't 'get it' - like predictions that in 1993 there'd be electric cars flying over our heads, and that Mick Jagger wouldn't still be trying to be a rock star at age 50.......
I loved it. I'm exhausted and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow but I'm.. well, touched, by this version. The real, uncut version, is art. Ironic art, because it deals with the difference between edited-from-a-commercial-point-of-view art and because nearly every section dealing with that HAS BEEN CUT OUT OF THE COMMERCIAL VERSION. I love it. I've come to admire several other Crowe movies but hot damn, Almost Famous is my current favourite movie. I'm sure I'll trade it in again once something even more genious comes along (something always does) but deep inside I'll still treasure this version.. because it says everything I'm trying to stand for. And everything about western and pop culture there is to say. All stuffed in a sweet tale of a 15 year old reporter who gets to have the greatest adventure of his life with a band and an incredibly intuitively wise groupie (whoops, band aid...) who, in the end, appears to really be the one who's 'almost famous'.

I've also begun to read Craig Thompson's Carnet de Voyage. Since even Thompson himself is calling it a 'light snack' and doesn't want it to be taken as seriously as Blankets or Goodbye, Chunky Rice, and so far it seems as light as he warns us it will be (I also skipped through it a bit to see what kind of story I'm reading - story-reader fault 1, but I occasionally do this and it never really hurts the experience for me) I hope this will get me a little less unimpressed with the art in this world. Because with these kinds of Goliaths facing me, how can I ever hope to make anything even worth catching some of their shade ???


I can't help but chuckle at the 'mojo' joke in Almost Famous, by the way. The part where editor Ben talks about a new machine called a mojo, which transmits pages through the telephone.. "It only takes about 18 minutes per page." Makes me value my dialup speed a whole lot more.

In case you were wondering...

I'm Norman Bates, according to the quiz behind the link (thanks to Greg for this). Makes me wonder if that's how I run Probeersel.com - I think the other members better start worrying whenever they're in the shower.

Rejoice !

The fair has been cleaned up - I noticed the last of the trucks and tents standing about as the train rolled into the Tilburg centre on my way home. I felt a quick rush of joy - once again, 'my' city has become 'my' city again. For a little less than another year.
Of course there are other big events that hit the centre of the city from time to time. Carnaval. Christmas. *Shudders* But really, nothing quite ruins this city's view and general audience as the fair.

Another Bridge Burnt.

Saturday night (early Sunday) I got deleted off a telnet talker I used to go to called The Dating Game. The only reason I ever started going there in the first place was because the owners are the aunt and uncle of my then-girlfriend, and she went there a lot back then too. I'll admit I 'met' several interesting people there, but the past few years I've been wondering why I still went there at all anymore (not that I showed my face often anymore anyway). So when, Saturday, some people felt offended by some (women-hating) jokes I made, and in fact started playing the biased political game they've always played in that place, I decided to push it further and get everyone pissed off enough to delete me. I couldn't care less anymore, and I'm glad I'm out of there (they don't have a .suicide command).
That's the last of the telnet talkers I ever went to. I noticed I don't use the web to chat anymore - except perhaps for a few forums here and there, and then I try to stay on topic, so most places I post are comics-related. I've stopped seeing the web as a 'place' and started using it as a 'medium'.
My roommate, however, kind of worries me. I have a suspicion he's using the web still as a 'place' and is alienating his Real Life Friends. But I could be wrong. Although that same Saturday evening (before I logged in to that talker for the last time) a friend dropped over who actually agreed with HIM that he migth come by. I ended up playing the host while my roommate never came out his room. That's just plain wrong: someone who agrees to come over with YOU and your ROOMMATE has to entertain them. I mean, the visitor's my friend too, so that's sort of ok, but still.
Ahwell. We'll just see - I'm not my roommie's mom, so. If he wants to sit around online all the time, fine by me.

I think if I'm gonna get any vacation time anytime soon I want to get away somehow for a while. Don't know to where yet and how to afford it, but I need some air, yaknow ? Probably won't happen anyway because I've got work piled up for me to do that I should be doing as soon as I have time off. Blah. Everyone else gets vacations, I get more work....

Muahahahaha...

I love images like this.
I picked it off a friend's weblog.



Death to the duckies !
(If it'd been pigeons, I would have enjoyed it even more)

Lookit De Pwetty Avatar.

Look what I made while I was sitting around bored for a moment at home. A nice new avatar to use... I wonder what was on my mind.

How Does One Make A Choice ?

Well, it's official, pretty much, since I've made my decision. So I might as well tell about it on here.
Clients of our department (another department) have shown interest in 'hiring' me. In short, I've been offered a different (better) position. And as I was offered this, it made me realise how much fonder of my job - or rather, my department - I am than I thought I was. So there's the explanation of my workaholism: I'm part of a great team that grew to rather big proportions since I joined it.
The new department has two very great appeals.
One, it's much more in lines of what I want to do. Basically, a branding team is forged and they want me on board as website manager / designer / technical jack-of-all-trades. Basically, I'm pretty much exactly what they're looking for, and a little beneficially more. It'll be publishing, writing, designing, ... it'll be utilizing what I can do AND what I like to do, a lot more than my current job.
Two, it's a brand new team who are going to set out and try a lot of things they've never done before. In other words, a similar department as my current one was when I joined. Back when things were still fun, we were inventing ways to make things work as we went along, we went around the books, we got things done.

But my current department has become like a group of close friends to me. And when I joined my current department, three other guys went from where I worked along with me. This step I'll be taking alone, and I know practically no one there. It will also mean I'm taking on a lot of work in the upcoming half year, and I already have some 10 weeks of vacation time built up that I'd really really like to take up. So that'll be very difficult to figure out. If I stayed, I'd have a stable, predictable work situation, I'd be able to take up my vacation time... and last and certainly not least, the relative stability makes it possible for me to work on my comics and Probeersel.com on the side. Which is why I went to work for my company to begin with.

So for weeks now I've been walking around with this. How does one make these choices ? Everyone told me I should follow what my heart told me but my heart told me jack shit.
So today I flipped a coin. Heads, I leave, tails, I stay.
It was tails. And it felt wrong immediately. So that's how I made my choice.
Even more busy, workaholic, exciting times, here I come...

I Have Been Neglecting My Duties As A Web Comic Artist Tonight.

I'm probably now expected to say something about both movies here, huh ?
Well, er, screw that. I had a great evening and I'll come back to write more about it once I figure out what I want to say about them. The only thing I'll say about it now is, if you haven't seen 'em yet, go see 'em.
 
The kermis (fun fair) is in town. And Tilburg has the annual honor of being the host to the biggest fair in the Benelux. 3 1/2 kilometers of every kind of ride, fair booth, candy, slot machines etc. you can expect at these things. For fifteen days. It started tonight, so we can once again expect two weeks of total craziness: the centre of town being unrecognizably swamped with at least thousands of people (last year's edition attracted millions of people grand total, to give an indication) at any given time, loud noises, flashy lights, screaming, drinking, vomiting, tacky summer hits blurting out of speakers everywhere - you guessed it: I hate it.
Can't wait till it's August and it's all over again.

The only good thing about my plugged-up left ear is that in the movie theatre, during both movies, I couldn't hear the annoying kids (I made sure to sit to the far right near speakers) and the fair didn't bother me much either as I had to cross it to get to my bike.

But in relation to the title of this post: yes, I should have been focussing on Worst Case Scenario's and the still-not-finished new storyboards for The Grim DotCom. But you know what, fuck it. I decided to have fun for one evening (and even then still came home relatively early) while everyone else keeps going on god damn vacations and shit. Even a workaholic like me deserves a little break once in a while. And if it's any consolation, I did do some thinking on both comics and you can expect that to evolve into finished results soon.
But for now, I'm going to end my fun evening with a little bit of lonely drinking downstairs and then going to bed with two cats cuddling up against me. Goodnight, folks.

Medical Weekend

Good grief, what a weekend. First the more and more usual fatigue, and the beforementioned food poisoning. Then of course the devouring of loads and loads of dilated poison with Bandirah, his friend, Troy Titane, Jean-Paul Arends (who both turned up as well), and several friends who show their face at the bar rather regularly. Then more fatigue which resulted in a heavy dose of sleeping in, and a rather nice shower later, my EAR SHUTS CLOSE !
Yes, AGAIN. Well, no, not again, really, since back in December it was my right ear, and this time, my left ear ceased to function. I've - perhaps unwisely so but screw it - battled it immediately with the leftover of ear drops and it seems to work a bit, in the sense that I'm now not COMPLETELY deaf at that ear anymore already, but it's still far from what it should be.
Add to that that I've taken the time to actually watch a WHOLE episode of Kingdom Hospital for once, and you might say I've had quite the medical weekend.

Enh.

Was watching Requiem For A Dream again last night and the diet Sarah was on made me crave a hard boiled egg. So I threw a few in hot water and boiled them - two burst open and became pretty disgusting rather quickly, a third wasn't boiled enough so I only ate one that SEEMED good. However, I'm pretty sure now that box of eggs was kinda overdue, since I threw it up later that evening and felt crappy all of today. I slept the last bit off this minor food poisoning off. Thank god I recently got another box of eggs (a week ago) so I can throw the last of these out.
Geez, I'm sticking with omelets for a while again I think. Ew.
It's that time again: I'm out of Grim DotCom storyboards. The last section of storyline 14 is coming up (the part after the devil) and I'm still not quite sure how to kick it off. The food poisoning hasn't helped, I've been asleep most of the day. I'm also drop dead tired from pulling in overtime at work again. The work's really starting to bear fruit, though - a lot of the stuff that was supposed to be done is now almost over with. Annnnd I got to build an old-school site as our department USED to do (and I used to do countless times) in FOUR HOURS. I rock.
Work has come through as well: I got an official letter informing me about my new salary and the fact that I'm now officially untied of the whole IT Academy. I'm a REGULAR employee now, and I get paid what I'm SUPPOSED to get paid for my work ! It's official !

Bandirah is in town this weekend and he wants to hang out at the Cul de Sac tomorrow night (well, later today, technically, by now). That should be cool. I feel like celebrating. Especially now that I feel a bit better again.
Also, you should check out Worst Case Scenario for today (this saturday). It features a guest comic by Cecile Saiso.

I can't think of anything interesting to say I haven't said anywhere else, right now. So goodnight folks.

I had a few minutes to kill.

Here's a few new silly quizzes I stumbled upon. Well, they're not really quizzes.
You just fill in your name or username and get a result. Still, amusing to see what 'StatusNil' leads to.
So here it is folks, the latest about me:

statusnil Highway Lake Love 4 Tower of Commitment 23 Contentment Meadows 41 Family Farm 144 Valley of Depression 330 Please Drive Carefully

Username:

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

S	Smooth
T	Twisted
A	Accurate
T	Temperamental
U	Useful
S	Skillful
N	Neat
I	Innocent
L	Lively

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a statusnil

Ingredients: 5 parts competetiveness 3 parts silliness 1 part ego

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add lustfulness to taste! Do not overindulge!

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Personality cocktail
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THIS WAY UP á

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From Go-Quiz.com

This one goes out to my dad and Joris.

In the light of Marlon Brando's recently passing on to the other realm, I decided to break the rather delicate storyline-setup of The Grim DotCom for once and toss in a reasonably well-timed episode dedicated to his GodFather persona. Of course, I didn't decide on doing this until I had some 22 hours left to come up with the joke, draw it, etcetera. That time was including sleep, occasionally devouring some food, and a few personal shoppings that were direly needed. In other words: an insane deadline. I finished it, though, with two hours to spare no less, so for two hours straight I got the "I've still got it !" feeling which was very nice. Then the "I've been in the god damn house too long" anxiety set in and I rushed off to the bar where I enjoyed the rest of the evening.

That's twice this week I've pulled off a Grim DotCom page at rather insane speed. And both are 'loose' episodes. I'm starting to wonder if the current storyline isn't affecting my work: that working according to a previously outmapped plan is ruining the creative experience for me and puts a brake on my ability to jot down storyboards. Ahwell. The last round is about to begin - all I need are those storyboards and I'm good to go. Storylines and other episodes are mapped out up until and including week 46, which means that until November 15, I know exactly where all this is going.

Thank God For Trekkies

So on Monday night I went to bed at 2 - which was later than I actually planned on but still semi-early for me. I was completely intending to fall asleep. You know, actually GET some sleep. Since I heard good things about that. So I lay there and pop, an idea for a Grim DotCom page jumps up inside my head.
Ignore it, I think ambitiously. Go to sleep.
That's not how it works however - by 2 30 the idea had grown out to a fully-fledged storyboard and was banging on the inside of my skull "Let me out ! Let me out of here ! Write me down !"
2 40. I'm exhausted from trying to fall asleep, I click on the light and write the damn thing down - it's a Star Trek kinda parody and I'll admit the idea also made me chuckle a bit after I scribbled the storyboard. But it was the middle of the damn night so I click off the light again and desperately try to sleep.
I only just barely don't oversleep on Tuesday morning, then follows a working day, and of course I sleep soundly on the train rides back and forth to Amsterdam. I get home at 8, take a deeeeeeep breath, and ready the drawing table. In 3 hours time, I draw the necessary images for the page on A3. Then I scan, edit, colour, shrink down, balloon and letter the bunch and at 1 30 I've got the damn page online. Less than 24 hours after conceiving.
But, you know, when you're doing something involving a cult series like Star Trek, it's just like when you use religious elements: people will bitch and moan about it. So I decide to keep a little pre-screening amongst a few trekkies I know online who happened to be up, and yes: they immediately suggest changing the uniform colours.
Which is a lot of work because for that I basically have to get back to the colour part of the process (see the little summary above) and then reshrink the panels to exactly the same size again - but, at around 2, all's good and well and online.
I marvel at the page for another while whilst I enjoy a well-deserved drink. At 3, I finally make the wise decision to crawl under the covers.

Needless to say, I overslept this morning. All thanks to a cult series from the 70ies and a grim reaper. The episode I'm talking about should be visible on Probeersel.com in a few weeks, so keep yer eye out for it.

Sad To See Him Go.

Just finished the final Grim DotCom page that features everyone's favourite antichrist. This is also the last storyboard I had ready - I'm gonna have to need to cram down another intermission episode and then the story will continue again into the final section of this storyline, the last set of the disaster unleashed by the crew's night out.
Things are going to change after that.. The Grim DotCom will never quite be the same again.

Ironically, I'm going through some major changes as well, also job-related. So these storyline developments are oddly close to home. I will go into further detail in later postings. Much, much later postings. Once I get more clarity and certainty where everything's going. But it appears a lot will change and I will, regardless of the outcome, miss the way things used to be. A lot.
Just like I'll miss the Hellboss. But who knows, if the fans indicate they liked his presence, he may reappear in later storylines. Or just get a guest star role in one of the episodes. And besides, he'll be back in a different form - he'll look and behave mostly the same, except the drawing style won't be that of The Grim DotCom.
So more to come. Once I have time. And everything's taken care of.

Probeersel.com's also facing some impending major changes. Also not anytime soon, but they're pretty much inevitable. And if I get my way, it'll grow into something very spectacular.

Now how's THAT for a mysterious post and for 'leaving them wanting more' ?!

Even public information should have a level of privacy, y'know.

"Hellboy" was pretty damn cool. Working day went ok-ish otherwise. There's some new stuff going on that I might get into in later posts sometime soon but not now. In any case, I'm exhausted. So I slept in some 12 hours and it still wasn't enough. But lots to do, what can I say ? So I've been pretty much busy with the weekly shoppings and whatnot until I made it home for a little break just when Vik came home. We popped in the Shrek DVD to watch and then my parents visited.
And about that: Everytime they come over they crack jokes or make comments on stuff they've read on here. It makes me want to not write here anymore. In case they don't understand, my life's been much, much easier everytime they didn't know what was going on in it. When I was alone in my decisions and ponderings and everything. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's easier than when they meddle with it. My dad can be a cynical asshole who makes tactless jokes about anything inappropriate and my mom always takes everything too serious and heavily. In other words, neither of the two usually is much help to me.
So folks, if you're reading this - and I know you are, or at least you will - please don't bring it up. Or bring anything you read here up anymore. I'm not writing it for you: it's my BLOG. My JOURNAL. My private stuff that, although I'm publishing it publically, I just want to write down and get it out of my system. To do that, I need to feel I can write whatever I want. Not what I think my parents would want to read. Or what I should write to avoid conversation about it.

Ok, that's it again for me today. I'm either going to continue work on The Grim DotCom now or sleep. It's a waste of the evening either way because Viktor's gone to Marieke's party in Delft which means I have the house to myself, but who am I kidding ? I'm so tired that I get a headache just with the thought of having a one-night stand let alone with the thought of having to go out and get myself one. The only nice part would be waking up next to someone and well, it's not worth the rest of the bother. So, wonderful world of webcomics backstashes, here I come.

I was half planning to call in sick tomorrow.

I've been drop dead tired the past few days, more than in any of the recent months. Yesterday I went straight to bed at 9 - with a brief waking up because my mom called - and slept straight through until after the alarm clock went off, and even beyond that. Hurriedly got to work at the usual time, and slept both on the way to and the way back from work. And I'm tired again now but I had some daily comics to take care of first.
I haven't really been feeling too well either, on top of not being too cheerful (see previous posts). A few people have showed concern, amongst whom one of Probeersel.com's excellent comic artists, Bandirah, and that sort of helps. But the idea of living in a cave somewhere distant for a decade or so still holds great appeal to me right now.
At work things haven't been terribly great either, everyone's concerned with the organisational changes that may very well end up erasing our department's core products and approach, which before were sort of the pride and joy of the company. But that's mostly speculation (with a healthy dose of realistic expectations) so who knows, none of it may happen. We've been officially told otherwise with only a few hints of bad news to come. At least the head of the department we're getting shoved under claims to be open and honest and didn't seem to contradict himself. He doesn't seem to be a bad guy and he claims there's no hidden agendas in this move, so we'll have to wait and see. On the other hand, as I told a colleague, it's just a job and daily matters certainly are a lot more important.
We're also being moved to another floor tomorrow so that'll produce an interesting work day...
Then there are some projects going terribly awry as well as some of our applications which suffered some major crises the past few days - add all the beforementioned up and you can imagine that I half planned to call in sick tomorrow. Especially since I don't feel too well anyway. However, just this evening I got an email saying the little contest I applied for won me tickets to the preview of Hellboy, which won't officially premiere till late this year in this country. I want to go - but it's the middle of the (working) day, tomorrow. And I probably will get back in the office around the time the move starts. Annnnd will likely somehow have to compensate the hours missed, and you know me, I hate owing anyone anything so I'll probably compensate them at the end of the day. I'm gonna be home so damn late tomorrow it won't be funny, I just know it.
So there's some good news: I get to see Hellboy - and it's a welcome break from the working day. But don't expect me to cheer up about anything else anytime soon :/

Just call me Holden Caulfield. Or something.

I am having one of those 'blah' days. The kind where you know something's terribly wrong but you haven't the foggiest clue what it could be. Right now I mostly feel sick of humankind. Especially the moneygrabbing Western world. I have no naive illusions that the people in 'other' cultures (how many countries are left without McDonalds ?) in this world aren't all following their own agenda and that survival of the fittest isn't fairly universal in society, but still. It makes me sick to the stomach. It makes me sick that for money I have to pretend to think our department's product is a good one. It's a crap product and it works shitty. The only reason it's supposed to be ok is because the other competing products within my company are also crap products and work shitty. And that only makes me feel sicker. And that I have to treat people the way I wouldn't want to be treated, myself, just because it's our policy and shit. I feel sick because what am I doing it for ? For some numbers on my bank account.
I'm sick of the people who always pull arguments out of their asses like that you have to be realistic and that money makes the world go round and you can't survive without it. Don't get me wrong, I have more than I can spend, so this is not one of those rants 'poor people' get on. I have loads of something that I really don't want. I just went to grab some quick lunch outside and I felt nauseous standing in line with people anxious to give their money to people anxious to take it from them. I had a coin in my hand and I felt like throwing it at them. Felt like taking out a shitload of cash and just throwing it at people. Then immediately felt sick because I could picture them, not getting offended but scrambling to grab it all. Society really disgusts me.
Even the comic artists I've been talking with the past few days have turned nasty in my eyes. It's all money. You're only a pro when you make money. Webcomics are shit because people can't make their money with them. After all, you have to be realistic. You need to be able to buy your food. Then an anekdote about R.K. Milholland from Something Positive who made a shitload of money simply by asking people to send it to him so he could do webcomics all the time. Now he has a (probably sarcastic but still) banner up telling people to send him more money so he can go buy a mercedes. Which I know will only run for a few years until we've all exhausted the world's supply of gas and oil. What do you think the whole Irak war is about ?
I also get sick when thinking of changing my job. I don't want to get an intake or application interview somewhere else. I don't want the stupid conversations about how much I want to earn. Capitalism makes me sick to the stomach. Always has and always will, with only momentary pauses where I can fool myself to believe it is a good system. It's sick and it makes people turn into monsters. With ties on. And suits. And brand name sunglasses. And lines under their eyes from not getting any sleep because they even work at home to pay for that expensive trip or that second mortgage.

I just want to make nice things. Or help people. And lie in the sun. Or sleep. Or talk with people. All the rest I really wish I wouldn't need. I dunno. Perhaps I'm just tired and need a long while of being around as few people as I can.

Luxury Problems.

I'm trying to play catch-up with The Grim DotCom. It's not going too fast but it's coming along, I suppose. At least I still have my right arm instead of getting gangrene in it during a war or something.

I'm lonely but fuck it, there are people appreciating me and/or my work and even actual friends in my life, and I have more important things to do anyway. Besides, at least I'm not the last survivor after a nuclear blast or anything.

I have too many vacation days left to probably be able to take up this year. I've been working nearly non-stop if you don't count the 4-day trip to Stockholm and the being ill. The kinds of projects I'm assigned to will make it very difficult to actually SPEND the time off somehow. But screw that, at least I'm not OFFICIALLY performing slave labour. Instead I'm merely wasting my life and creativity away in corporate culture.

I haven't slept in ages. But hey, at least I have a bed to lay awake in and a ceiling to stare at. Besides, the cats are good company while they ARE asleep next to me.

I travel halfway across the country four days a week. But hey, at least I don't have to walk a gazillion kilometers just to get a bit of water in the desert.

I'm getting frustrated in my job because I don't know what I want - as always - but do get the feeling I want things to change. Just have no idea how. But at least I have a job and a pretty damn decent income. I'm not lying in the gutters without legs and with fleas all over me.

Gimme a break. I'm trying not to be depressed.

The Importance Of Being Lonely

I've been going kinda nuts lately. This whole lifestyle without a relationship that I chose has the obvious result that I'm very lonely - my 'work' (everything involving Probeersel) doesn't make it easier, since barely any of it can be REALLY shared with other people.
And lately I'm kind of suffering it. I mean, never underestimate how great it is to wake up with someone in your arms, or to have someone around who knows you and who is there for you if you need her. And then there's the intimacy and sex, of course, but it's really the loneliness itself that's bugging me the most.
The long time of being alone also has resulted in me not really enjoying being around large bulks of people anymore, like in bars, on the comic convention I went to recently, etcetera. And the longer I'm alone, the more critical I'm becoming of women in terms of wether or not I'd be interested in even talking with them at all.
Today I've been considering the alternative. There *are* hordes upon hordes of terrible women, especially in this country, and I wouldn't want to bother with any of them. I really wouldn't. I'd hate myself for having wasted my time. *shudder*
And then there's the next risk: babies. God damn friggin' babies. They all want 'em - well, most. And I can't stand babies. Even besides that, I don't think continuing my set of genes is a smart thing to do.
And most importantly, I need the loneliness to be able to devote myself to my art. So yes, I'm terribly lonely, and yes, I'm cracking, but when I consider the alternative... I think I'm still better off.

Now all the social gatherings and all other obligations are pretty much done with for a while again, so it's time to work on The Grim DotCom now. the backstash won't last long anymore, so I better get my shit together and start drawing.

Title Expiration Date: Yesterday.

I'm feeling a bit down. Or lonely, I suppose.
You may recall that a while back I discussed the NOT appearing in stores of the Coupling series 3 DVD. I can't be bothered to look up the permalink now so just browse through the archives if you want to read more. In any case, it was there today - just arrived yesterday, I was told, and it was the only copy they had so tough luck to any other Coupling fans shopping around the Amsterdam Bijlmer area, haha - and I watched it tonight. Afterwards - and I have to admit I drank a bit while watching it.. yes, on a mid-week evening and yes, I have to work tomorrow.. sod it, I can do my job with my hands tied behind my back, and still leave most of the office miles behind me on specific knowledge - I cracked a little joke on a forum about how watching all those relationship troubles got me down a bit and how one-night-stands with comics groupies aren't all it's worked up to be. But it's true.. after watching the DVD, I felt incredibly lonely. It's feelgood material, but only for those in love or in a relationship.
I, on the other hand, am a fully overbooked comic artist slash webmaster slash 23-hour-job employee slash someone with slight traces of a social life. I run a comic that take me full-time attention and I very occasionally jump in when other Probeersel artists lack backstash for whatever reason (one jump-in action is also full-time by now). I have no time for a relationship and a few years ago, when my last one ended, I chose never to get into one again. I've maintained that belief and I still stand by it, don't get me wrong.
But I've mentioned before, there's a special someone whom I can't seem to get out of my system. I'm fine otherwise, but she popped back into my head tonight. So now I'm tired and lonely and blah. It's a 6+ years curse, and I am starting to doubt I'll ever get rid of it. Or her. And I can never have her - even if my own life and ambitions permitted it. And she doesn't know, so I bear the misery all by myself.
*sighs*
I think I should probably go to bed for those few hours that remain me until I have to drag my sorry old carcass back to work again.

One bit of good news though: I finished the Grim DotCom page I've been working on for three weeks now. And it's looking SPECTACULAR. And I don't often say that about the series. So keep your eyes open for that - it should appear Sunday after next, on Probeersel.com.
So I earned this depressing evening off, fair and square. More Grim DotCom material coming, no doubt, later this week. After all, who needs sleep, or a cure for loneliness for that matter ?

About To Pop - And Other Problems.

I've gone through the cycle again: I've allowed my libido to build up more and more, thus resulting in more creativity, which actually even resulted in several storyboards for The Grim DotCom (so the dreary work of actually drawing etc. them can now commence) but with the heat, my being rather tired lately, and constantly having to see scantily clad women in bright sunlight everywhere my head turns, I'm going to have to release the energy again soon. I haven't really denied myself anything, so to speak, but I need some really good release - plenty of it, and soon.
So I've gotten cocky (no pun intended) and a bit flirty with some of my closer female IRL friends, of course rather deliberately with the opposite result. Their friendships are worth more than to be ruined by these urges, so I'll have to find another way. But flirting sort of keeps the lid on it all for now, so you'll have to excuse me if you've fallen victim to this playful behaviour. It'll pass again, soon, one way or another.
Anyway, I'll be doing some nice work on The Grim DotCom sometime soon I expect, and I can't wait to see how it'll look.

Meanwhile, Worst Case Scenario gets some nice exposure this week, since it's got a FarScape theme going. Wish I could say the same for Troy Titane's RexRex which is currently on the front page, but Troy's kind of late with sending new material in. Bandirah and I are compensating with a few guest episodes, which I suppose is fun. Still, I can't wait to see some new original Troy material soon - the guy's a genius if you want my opinion.

And in other news, I lost my little pocket phone booklet and my prescription sunglasses over the course of the weekend. The sunglasses turned up in the Cul de Sac, as I sort of expected, and I'm not too worried about the booklet, because one, I've got a copy (I learned from last New Year's Eve), two, it's not exactly expensive or immensely time-consuming to recreate a copy of that, nor to buy some new phone cards (which it contained), track back when my next dentist appointment is (which is inside as well), and three, of the two items I originally lost, that one's the most likely to turn up by itself at some point since it has my address and phone number in it, of course.
The weather's too nice and I'm too, well, horny, to care. It's good to be me.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee -kend.

You know how kids can get really annoying and start to nag when they get tired ? Or that they start breaking stuff, or pester people, etc. ? Well, I'm about the least-anxious-to-mature person I know, so I'm also EXACTLY like that. And considering the fact that I haven't slept well since I got ill (with the Haarlem event in between and right after that, the really hot nights) you can imagine I've been uttering some random weirdness wherever I could. Mostly focussed on the forum of the StripSter site. For instance, for some reason - unclear to me as well - I chose to portray myself as a smurf on there, and this started leading its own life with the people there. Also, I started posting as 'Pak Bloem' ('Bag of Flower') who's supposed to be this very anti-René person. It's all in good, clean fun, really, and it entertains me while I lack sleep, but all these things are getting out of hand. Why is that ?? Make a comic about sausages, and it's all people notice. Pretend you're a smurf, invent some other person who's raging a war against you, etc. and people keep bringing it up. It's interesting - can't wait how big a life of their own these random creations o'mine will take on.

European Elections were today. I voted. I share the apathy and total lack of care about Europe that the rest of Holland seems to have, but it just seems wrong to waste a vote. Not voting really isn't a protest when you think about it. Fact is, there's a Europe to be run, and here was your chance - which comes round only once every five years it seems - to have a teeny tiny say in how it's run, and it REALLY doesn't take so damn much of your time, so for god's sake, vote, people.
Ahwell.

Weekend. Lots to do. And tomorrow night I'm supposed to go out with drinking buddy Dave. There goes my weekend, because he and I are notorious for our binging when we go out together. If either of us goes out with anyone else, nothing weird happens, but when we're on the town, all caution's out the window, and all hell breaks loose. Only to get stuck in our heads the next couple of days. Should be fun.
And yay, it's been raining today ! It's a bit cooler, so I'll be able to sleep now. And I can sleep in. So if you'll excuse me, that's exactly what I planned to go do now. Seeyaz.

Dick, Liver, Dick, Liver, Dick, Liver - Ok, enough with the Manchild quotes.

I am shameless when it comes to not updating this blog. Screw you all ! You pathetic fans who are hitting F5 every six seconds hoping I'll finally reveal more of what's been going on in my life - I don't have to tell you ANYTHING I don't want to.

Ok, that scared away the one reader this blog had. Now I can finally start telling the good stuff. *grins*

Truth is, as usual, I've been too busy etc. to update this. And too much has happened, so everytime I *did* have the time to update, I didn't because there was too damn much to tell.
Guess I'll have to give you guys a quick rundown of things, but then I'm going straight to bed. I'll explain why (besides it being midnight as I type this).

I've been to several events involving more of the national celebs in the comics industry. I finally figured out how the scene works in this country: you won't get any love unless they know you. And not just from words on a screen, no, if they've shared a beer with you or something. I've noticed that, although of course that helps with getting to know anyone pretty much, much more than in the other comics scenes on this planet, the Dutch one is kind of elitist. It doesn't mean to be, because these are all kind, sympathetic people - well, most of them - but there's simply already so many pro's here that new talent has to struggle hard to get any attention. Unless you're one of their friends.
That sounds mean but it's the truth. It's also why - as was very well noticed by Bandirah's friend on the Stripdagen Haarlem - several of the people on the scene have excessively brown tongues. But now the good news: they're getting to know me. Now, that would be good for me if I was selling anything. Or if I wanted a career as a comic artist. I don't. I don't publish books, I don't take on paid assignments, and I won't lose a night's sleep over wether people know me or not. All I want is to become the best comic artist I could become, and create great stories, comics, cartoons etc. that people can read and enjoy for free. That's all I want for myself. However, I'm obviously associated with Probeersel.com - being it's founder and 'main man' - so what's good for whatever career I might otherwise have aspired, is now good for our site.
Aha ! That's where the buck stops, isn't it ? Although Probeersel.com does keep auditions, we're not in the business of letting people in simply because they're friends. One of the core qualities we're trying to uphold is that members are allowed to join simply on the merits of their work, enthousiasm, talent. Right now our group happens to consist of really friendly people, most of which are getting along great with each other as well, but we wouldn't care if you were friendly or would buy us a drink in a bar. So if our community becomes famous enough, we'll be a way for fresh talent - discriminated only on quality, as mentioned above - to really showcase their stuff. I won't be surprised if someone like Bandirah or Sionnain lands a publishing deal later on thanks to the groundwork we're laying now.

So I've been to a few events, chatted up with comic artists, and tried to have as much fun as I could. The Stripdagen Haarlem yesterday were the prime example of that, because BESIDES meeting up with some Probeersel members, scouting the convention, going to an awesome performance by Gummbah, and talking with several artists and journalists I already got to know a lot earlier and value for a lot more than the mere fact that they're the 'in-crowd' (and some even aren't), and drinking myself into a stupor till five in the morning --- besides all that, I did also mingle with the 'in-crowd'. Albeit not too happily; I feel so god damn awkward shaking hands with 'people you should know', and especially when assembled in large groups and when they already know all the other people present. I don't like being the intruder. So it was actually very exhausting.
Most of the people from the Stripliefhebbers forum are 'in-crowd' but practically all of them are pleasant to be around. But to the point of my story, if I have one: I'm the kind of person who suffers great fatigue if I'm introduced to hundreds upon hundreds of faces and names on one day. My head swoons and at some point it switches off and I stop registering new information and try to get back to a situation where I'm in a small group or talking one-on-one with someone again. So yesterday was about one of the most exhausting days in my life so far. I'm not jumping at the opportunity to do that again sometime soon. Whoooof.

It was fun, though. All the events I went to recently were fun, and they're welcome changes from workworkworkworkworkworkworkwork. But exhausting, and the workworkworkworkworkworkworkwork meanwhile piles up anyway. So the Grim's backstash is chipped down to a bare minimum again, Worst Case Scenario is hobbling on only as inspired as I can bring myself to do it, and that's all I'm doing right now. No new projects for a bit anymore. I'm tiiiiiired.

Intermission - Other newsflashes: The cover I did for Stripster.nl is on their site this week. Sionnain is working hard on If I Fell so odds are we'll see some of that very soon (I already have seen a few previews and it looks great, can't wait until the finished result !). At my PAYING job, action has finally been taken to arrange for all the IT Academy stuff to finally be out of my life - that's right folks, I'm going to get a FULL paycheck for the kind of work I do there.. a FAIR treatment, which is all I asked for, anyway. The cats are doing well, Viktor too. Moneywise this has also been a very nice month so far. I used most of it to stock up things that most months don't allow financial room for, and wasted some of the rest - and still have spending room left, so that's all good.

The only other thing I can think of that's worth mentioning is that I've taken up smoking again. Conscious choice, I was sick and tired of waiting for something to happen. I noticed I smoke a whole lot less, now, though - today, for instance, I've smoked a whopping TWO cigarettes - one when we left the hotel this morning (Vik and I booked a room in Haarlem when the party we were at was way too amusing to leave for home from) and one, I dunno, sometime earlier this evening. I just smoke when I feel like it now, instead of the routine breaks. Also, once you've quit and then restart, the first cigarette you smoke again is supposed to be so damn great. I didn't find it to be that exactly - it was just a cigarette.

Smokers really need to get over themselves. All the damn urban myths they tell non-smokers...